


Into The Fray

by electric_eel



Series: Babylon By Bus [4]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-13 21:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13578924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electric_eel/pseuds/electric_eel
Summary: 14 Hours, 3 Months, 1 Night and A Split Second.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 3rd Installment of the Babylon By Bus series.
> 
> Follows Babylon By Bus, Interlude and Serendipity
> 
> Warning: This is an AU, so it won't make too much sense if you haven't read the other stories

**August 8th**

**George Washington University Hospital Waiting Room**

 

**Hour 1:**

 

Donna opened the door to the waiting room, unexplained panic beginning to course through her veins.

 

_Where's Josh?_

 

"I'm sorry, they told me I should come back here," she let herself in and sat her belongings down, relieved to see that CJ appeared to be unharmed.

 

_Where's Josh?_

 

She was so relieved to hear that the President was going to be alright.

 

_Where's Josh?_

 

CJ stared at her little sister, unable to bring herself to say anything.

 

_Where's Josh?_

 

"Donna," Toby spoke, knowing this was something that he had to do. Josh was like his brother, and Donna was CJ's kid sister for whom he'd always had a soft spot. And Toby Ziegler had eyes in his head. He wasn't stupid, either. He took a breath and didn't dance around the subject, she deserved better than that. "Josh was hit."

 

"Hit with what?" Donna knew. She'd known form the moment she raced out of her front door. She had felt some kind of an internal shift- she just wanted so desperately to be wrong about this.

 

They tried to gage her reaction, all of them aware of the unconventional relationship between Josh and Donna, even if none of them realized the depth.

 

They kept talking. Donna heard the word 'critical' and nothing else. The colors around her faded to grey, the shapes becoming fuzzy, and a ringing began in her ears. She didn't sob. She didn't collapse. But she was absolutely certain that her world was falling apart around her.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 2:**

 

Donna remained seated, staring at a spot of chipped paint on the waiting room wall. Mrs. Landingham's hand rested reassuringly on hers. She sat calmly, but Donna was anything but rational about this. She felt a physical pain in her chest- perhaps it was, Donna thought, her heart actually breaking. She’d excused herself to the ladies room on three separate occasions to throw up, the thought of him not being okay making her physically sick.

 

"I'm proud of you tonight, dear," Mrs. Landingham stated. "And I'm sure Joshua will be too."

 

Although Delores Landingham and Jed Bartlet never had anything even bordering the relationship between Donna Moss and Josh Lyman, there was still a sense of unity between the two women, and normally her praise would mean so much to Donna. These people were her family now. But not tonight. All she wanted- all she needed- was Josh. He was the only one she ever needed- ever wanted.

 

Her heart started to beat rapidly in her chest. This had to all be a mistake. He’d come bounding in her at any second, bellowing her name and smiling at her with those dimples.

 

She wanted, at that moment, more than anything, to see him. To touch him. If there weren’t armed Marines outside of the operating room, she swore she would bust through the doors to get to him. She’d kiss him softly and run her fingers through his curls and laugh at whatever egotistical remark he’d make.

 

Oh, God. She was going to be sick again. Donna squeezed her eyes closed and concentrated on keeping the contents of her now empty stomach down.

 

Mrs. Landingham pat the younger woman's hand reassuringly. It wasn't lost on her that Donna and Josh's relationship didn't fit within the confines of boss and assistant, but she wasn't one to pry. Donna was a sweet girl and she'd always had a soft spot for all of Jed's wayward boys, Josh included. She watched them interact professionally, impressed by Donna's abilities. But she saw something else in them, too. Something she hoped they weren't too blind to see for themselves.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 3:**

 

Donna felt the vibration of her cell phone in her jacket pocket. It had been buzzing all night but she'd barely noticed it- she'd barely noticed anything.

 

She saw Ed watch her for a reaction as the phone rang and rang, until he finally dug into her discarded jack pocket and answered it for it, asking the caller to hold briefly, and handing it to Donna.

 

She fumbled with it for a moment, placing it to her ear. "H-hello?" She was speaking so softly.

 

"Donna? Are you there?"

 

"Tal?"

 

"Oh, it's so good to hear your voice. Are you alright?"

 

Donna swallowed, unsure of how to respond. She realized that her step father was interested in her physical state, so she responded with a weak, "yes."

 

She heard a sigh of relief from the other end of the phone. "I've been watching the news. Claudia Jean is okay as well?"

 

"Just a little shaken," Donna told him.

 

"How's Josh?"

 

Donna was silent. She didn't even know where to begin. "It's critical," she whispered.

 

"Yes. That's what they're reporting. I'm thinking of him. And of you and his mother as well. You girls take care of each other, okay?" Tal has always loved the friendship between his daughters and had loved to watch it grow even more over the last few years. "Don't worry about us. Your mother is asleep- I didn't want to wake her until I had more information. I'll call your father and your brothers to let them know you're alright as well. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything. We love you."

 

"Love you too. And thank you," Donna was grateful, but honestly the thought that someone was concerned about her hadn't even crossed her mind. All she could think about was Josh.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 4:**

 

Josh swam through the fog of the medically induced dream, the best portions of his life playing through his mind like a movie.

 

She was there, laughing, smiling, holding onto him. The waves rolled against the shore and it was just the two of them. Before politics came between them.

 

He wanted to go back. He'd give anything to go back.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 5:**

 

"Donna?" Sam's voice was gentle as to not startle her, his hand hearing on her shoulder.

 

She turned to look at him, as if he held the key to making all of this go away.

 

"I have to go back to the White House now," he explained. "But you know how to reach me if you need anything. If anything changes with him."

 

Donna nodded softly and Sam didn't hesitate to wrap her in a tight hug.

 

"Donna, you're shaking."

 

She was, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything except Josh. "He has to be okay," she whispered, burying her face into Sam's chest. "He just has to."

 

Sam just held her until she pulled herself back together, her breathing evening out again. She didn't cry, but Sam could tell she was beyond frazzled. Josh was his best friend and Sam knew that if he were standing here his first priority would be Donna. So in his absence, Sam would take over the job. Donna still in his arms, Sam exchanged a knowing glance with Charlie, who subtly nodded his head and silently agreed to watch over her as well.

 

 

And though Josh would never talk to Sam about it, Sam knew his best friend. Whether Josh wanted to admit it or not, there was something more at play here.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 6:**

 

"She's gone completely numb," she heard someone say in the background.

 

But Donna wasn't numb. In fact, she was fairly certain it would hurt less if she were the one on that operating table. No, she wasn't numb at all. Her senses were heightened if anything. She was hyperaware of every movement, the medical personnel and White House staffers scrambling about somewhere in the distance. The quiet poise of the agents guarding the entrance to the operating theater. The smell of antiseptic mixing with the aroma of the now stale coffee she hasn't yet touched. The hum of the harsh fluorescent lights beating down from above her. She felt the cold air in the room, shivering a bit from the spot where she'd been standing her silent vigil for hours.

 

She grasp the diamond around her neck, sliding it back and forth on the chain subconsciously, her hands shaking. It was all she had of him for the time being and she clung to it like a lifeline.

 

She was watching. Staring, really. Trying to catch even a glimpse of him. Waiting with baited breath for the next beep on the monitor. Taking It one second at a time.

 

She was hoping and believing that she if she gave everything she had to the universe she could will him to recover.

 

Donna was a lot of things. But she certainly wasn't numb.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 7:**

 

"Ms. Moss?"

 

Donna turned to face the voice behind her, finding a nurse almost hesitant to approach.

 

"These are Mr. Lyman's personal belongings. We were instructed to give them to you."

 

Donna nodded her appreciation, taking the small bag from the nurse.

 

She reached inside, flipping open the worn leather on his wallet, staring at the driver's license and White House ID mixed in with years worth of membership cards that he never removed and the miscellaneous pizza receipt. She ran her hands over the smooth leather, drawing comfort simply from the fact that it belonged to him. She removed the keys and his cell phone to place inside her purse with his wallet. She hated the thought of his belongings sitting in a sterile plastic bag. No, she wanted them where they somehow belonged- casually interspersed with her things in jumble inside her purse.

 

Donna began to fold the plastic bag when she felt something more. He didn't carry loose change in his pockets, this she knew, so she wasn't expecting anything else to be hiding away. Turning the bag over into her lap a small worn worry stone tumbled out.

 

Donna stared at it, gasping softly. There was no mistaking it- it was the same one Donna had found on the beach at sunset, handing to him to make his worries disappear. He'd carried it in his pocket all these years. She'd had no idea. Maybe he had clung to the hope as tightly as she had.

 

Donna picked it up and clutched it in her hand, wishing their worries away and blinking back the threatening tears. She had to believe he'd make it through.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 8:**

 

Donna's head turned from its focus on Josh at the sound of the outer door closing. Though she'd never met the woman standing in the doorway in person, she knew exactly who it had to be.

 

"Mrs. Lyman."

 

"Ava," she corrected the younger woman, pulling her into a hug. "And you must be his Donnatella." She held on a little longer than Donna anticipated, but it was the first time all night she thought that maybe someone else understood what she was really feeling. "How's our boy doing," Ava asked with a few tears pooling in her eyes.

 

Donna, choked up as well, eventually found her voice. "He's hanging in there."

 

Ava held Donna's arm, though Donna wasn't sure who was comforted more by the gesture, as the two women stared intensely through the glass into the surgical theater. "Yes, dear. He's always been a survivor."

 

At that moment Donna wanted desperately to tell her everything. For someone, anyone, to understand to any extent how she felt and why. To know how she felt about him. That he wasn't just her boss. That he was more to her, even, than just a friend.

 

Unlike her only son, Ava Lyman's presence was still and serene, bringing a sense of calm to the room. She did, however, also posses the ability to easily command that room- a trait, Donna thought, that she'd more likely taught her son that learned from him.

 

"Donna, dear," she spoke, never removing her eyes from where she watched her son through the glass, "after he wakes up, I think perhaps the two of you need to have a long talk about what's truly important."

 

Apparently Ava Lyman was also a very perceptive woman.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 9:**

 

Josh saw her again, almost as though he was living the prior day over and over. She'd breezed into his office, her mere presence brightening his day. She'd been chatting playfully with him as she walked him to senior staff, asking him questions and bantering playfully with him, refusing to bring him coffee but relenting and letting him take a sip of hers.

He explained what was going on and she forced him to take a look at situations from all angles. She made him a better politician, a better man, a better human.

 

She was, without a doubt, the best part of every day.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 10:**

 

Toby cleared his throat. "You wanted to see me?"

 

"I-," she stopped, unsure how to begin with this request. "I'm not Jewish," she stated simply.

 

Toby easily pieced together what she was trying to say.

 

"You don't have to be," he stated, turning to gaze through the glass towards Josh and resign a reassuring hand on Donna's shoulder, both of them falling into their individual silences. She'd prayed more earnestly tonight than she ever had.

 

Donna thought about how people make promises to God, in exchange for people surviving- she doesn't want to promise to give Josh up- but she would if she had to. If that's what it took, although if it really were a merciful God, she prays that he'd just go back in time and never have them have met, if that would put Josh on a different path, one that didn't lead to Rosslyn, because honestly, if she has to give him up now, she might be the one that doesn't survive.

 

But if it does come down to that, so be it.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 11:**

 

Charlie sat in a waiting room chair in the hallway. He'd drug it over from its original location to a spot outside of the operating theater hours before. He’d sat guard outside the room where Donna stood her post, deterring rogue visitors with just his gaze. He wasn’t going to let anyone disturb her if they didn’t absolutely have to.

 

He peeked through the small window on the door every so often, just making sure she was alright. She was still there- in the same spot where she stood an hour ago, her eyes focused on Josh.

 

Charlie noticed the half of a sandwich someone had tried to get her to eat an hour or so ago still sitting in its wrapper, along with the cookie Mrs. Landingham had left for Donna.

 

Quietly opening the door, he approached her and stood silently. “You need to eat.” He cut straight to the chase, not wanting to even try to come up with something of comfort to say. There was nothing he could say to comfort her- nothing anyone could say

 

“No.”

 

“Donna. You’ve been standing here for 11 hours. I’m afraid something is going to happen to you. You need to eat something.”

 

“No.” She was firm in her conviction though the lack of strength was evident in her voice.

 

“But-“ Charlie began to protest.

 

Donna took her eyes off of Josh for a quick second, sending Charlie a look that left little room for debate. “I’ll eat when he does,” she told him, immediately sending her focus back to Josh.

 

Charlie didn’t push her. He knew he wouldn’t win that battle.

 

Glancing over to where she was looking, he tried to determine what she was doing. Was she watching a machine? Did someone explain to her precisely what was going on? Charlie watched Donna’s unwavering stare and tense body, trying to figure out what was going on- what exactly in that operating room she was focused on.

 

She was physically willing Josh to stay alive- and she was giving him everything that she had.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 12:**

 

The dream was comforting... warm and bright and all consuming. It was hope.

 

She was there, as she always was, but this time she was his again. Smiling at him. Wrapping her arms around him. Kissing him. But they weren't on that beach from his memories. No, this was different. He didn't know where they were, actually, but it didn't matter- all that mattered was that he could feel her warmth. And maybe something else was different too- they weren't alone. He could hear tiny giggles and someone with wild brown curls calling her Mama. But the dream and its warmth were gone just as quickly as they arrived.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 13:**

 

"That's a beautiful necklace, Donna." Dr. Bartlet is clearly trying to get my mind off of Josh. She has no idea how completely impossible that is.

 

"Thank you, ma'm," Donna told her, trying to think of anything that would pass as polite conversation with the First Lady.

 

"Was it a gift," Zoey asks, after a moment.

 

"Hmm?" Donna was lost in thought. "Oh, yes. It was a gift," she blushed.

 

"From a man?" Zoey gave Donna a soft nudge and a conspiratorial grin. She was tying her best to lighten the mood. And while Donna wasn't feeling chatty, she knew Zoey had endured a lot tonight, too.

 

"From a man." Donna's confirmation made her own heart ache.

 

"Well, it must be pretty serious. Look at the size of that rock," Zoey tried to laugh.

 

"Oh, its not real," Donna supplied. "It's just a crystal. And it was... a long time ago."

 

Dr. Bartlet studied Donna's expression closely. "Oh, its real."

 

"No, it's just... it was a... token." A promise, actually, she corrected herself in her head. A promise of what? Here she sat, terrified she'd never find out.

 

Abbey Bartlet and Ava Lyman exchanged glances.

 

"Donna, I know diamonds," Ava supplied, looking a little closer at the pendant. "And that's real."

 

Abbey Bartlet nodded her head. "And nearly flawless."

 

"Real?" Donna almost choked.

 

The two women nodded their heads at her, unsure of why she seemed so flabbergasted by the realization.

 

Donna clutched the diamond. The monetary value didn't matter to her, but she was stunned speechless nonetheless. It wasn't just a gift purchased in passing. It wasn't an off the cuff gesture. It's real. He told her it was a promise that morning in Nashua. A real diamond? A promise of what?

 

Her mind flashed back to the morning he'd given it to her. To their parting words in the airport.

 

He loves her.

 

OoooooooO

 

**Hour 14:**

 

She held back a bit, allowing plenty of room for the others, the President and Leo and the medical team. But she was able to slip her hand over and gently clasp his, tracing small circles with her thumb. He was cold, his hands slightly clammy and his face unshaven- but he'd never looked better to her. It took every ounce of restraint she had not to crawl into the bed and hold him, whispering softly all of the things she wished she'd said to him before. Not to softly kiss his lips and never leave his side again. But for now, she'd have to hold his hand. She'd have to hold his hand and help him get through this in the only way she knew how.

 

Relief flooded through her as she saw his eyes begin to softly flutter open at the sound of his name. She stared at his face, shrouded in pain and exhaustion.

 

"I couldn't hear you, Josh," the President stated, leaning in closer to listen. "He said 'what's next.'"

 

Donna gave his hand a soft squeeze and Josh's hazy eyes locked with hers and didn't leave. He'd survived. He'd come back to her.

XxxxxxxX

I think you all knew this plot line was coming... hope you'll stick with me, it's a little more intense by nature than what I usually write. I feel like I'm sticking my neck out on this one so it may be a roller coaster for us all at the same time (the reading AND the writing.) let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

They'd moved him from post op to the intensive care unit where he'd spend the next days recovering under close supervision. Donna gathered her bag and left the room she'd waited in all night. She'd been told she had to exit the recovery room with the President but that a nurse would call her as soon as he was settled in the ICU. It was exceedingly hard for her to walk away from him, even if it was only a few feet. Her feet felt like cement and there was a borderline panic rising inside of her as soon as he was out of her reach.

The others began to clear out again, glad that he was stable and returning to their homes and jobs. But Donna wouldn't budge. She wasn't leaving this hospital, and she had let several people know her intentions in no uncertain terms.

"Donna?" Ava Lyman looked exhausted. And while Donna was sure that if she looked in the mirror she too would show the stresses of the prior night, she hasn't taken the time to do so. "I'm going to head to Joshua's apartment and try to get a little bit of rest. You're sure you're going to stay? He's going to be pretty out of it for a while."

Donna nodded her head once again that she'd made up her mind, fumbling around in her purse once again and procuring a key ring that she offered to Ava. "His maid comes this afternoon," she told her. "The place is probably a wreck with no real food, and even if you could find a spot to sit down she'd wake you when she came in anyway. This is my address," she scribbled some quick directions on a scrap piece of paper, "CJ may be in and out, but please, make yourself at home. The guest room is the second door on the right," she smiled somberly.

"Thank you, dear," Ava told her, grateful for the gesture and touched at Donna's sincerity, "but I'll just stay at Joshua’s.”

“Okay,” Donna understood her hesitation. “It’s this one,” she told her, pointing out the key to his apartment on the same ring.

She said her goodbyes to Ava and made her way through the corridors, passing through the secret service check point. While the President wouldn’t need the intensive care that Josh would, the floor had been cleared for security reasons and he was just a few doors down for the next day or so.

“Donna Moss?” A doctor carrying a file approached her.

“Yes?”

“I’m Dr. Wilson,” he extended his hand. “I’ll be overseeing Josh’s care. The White House advised us you were listed as his next of kin?”

“What’s wrong?” The panic was immediately visible on her face.

“Nothing, nothing is wrong,” he told her in a calm voice. “I just wanted to introduce myself and go over some of what to expect in the coming days and weeks. Shall we sit down? You look a little shaky.”

Donna nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Um, yes. Sure.”

She found a pair of chairs in the hallway and pulled a small notebook from her bag to jot down the information. She asked several questions, clarified a few things and took the information that the doctor had written down before thanking him and closing her notebook.

Dr. Wilson glanced at the clock on the wall. “He should be in there by now. You can go see him if you’d like to. Now remember, Donna, he’s doing great considering everything he’s been through but there will be lot of wires and machines connected to him. Don’t let them get to you. He will be heavily sedated for the next 24 hours and he’ll be on a morphine drip for a few days, so don’t expect too many coherent conversations. If you need anything, just buzz the nurse.” He gave her a friendly smile before continuing on his rounds.

Donna gathered her things and stepped into Josh’s room, the glass cubicle area offering them minimal privacy. She let out a slow, shaky breath when she saw him sleeping. He was so still- it was such a harsh contrast to his normal bursts of energy that it was hard for her to take in. Dropping her belongings into an empty chair, she quickly crossed the room to him, pulling a seat up behind him.

“I’m here,” she whispered, softly holding his hand once again, bringing it up to her cheek. She closed her eyes and just drank in his presence, relieved by his proximity to her. She felt better just being able to touch him. She softly kissed his palm and twined their fingers together, shifting slightly to wait patiently for him to wake up. No matter how long it was going to take, she’d wait. She’d be there.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been at his bedside when he stirred ever so slightly. She stood, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder as his eyes began to flutter partially open. He stared at her, saying nothing.

“Hey,” she spoke softly, forcing herself to conjure a smile for him. “There you are.”

He watched her closely, focusing on his labored breathing rather than trying to speak.

She could tell his jaw was set and he grimaced in pain at only the slightest of his movements.

“What’s wrong,” she asked, stilling her movements as to not aggravate him further.

He closed his eyes, muttering a raspy “hurts,” through clinched teeth.

She picked up his morphine clicker, placing it into his hand and allowing him to press the button. Her fingers found his curls and gently entwined in them. He sighed almost immediately, comforted by her touch in any capacity, leaning his head closer to her hand.

She leaned in closer to him, placing a feather light kiss on his temple as her other hand found his on the blanket. “You’re doing great,” she whispered, attempting to soothe him for just a moment until the pain killers took over. “You’ll feel better in just a minute,” she promised, kissing him again, this time on the edge of his mouth, lingering just a moment. She felt a soft squeeze from his hand and her fingers resumed their ministrations in his curls until he was once again asleep.

OooooooooO

Ava Lyman returned to the hospital just after dinner. She’d gotten a bit of sleep and taken a hot shower, but she was still exhausted. She planned to check on Josh, sit with him for an hour or two, and head back to his apartment for some more rest. She knew he’d be out of it anyway, with all of the painkillers, and he likely wouldn’t remember anything he was actually awake for.

When she entered his room she was somewhat shocked to see Donna sitting patiently by his bedside, delicately holding his hand.

“You’re still here?”

Donna looked up at Ava, taking her eyes off of Josh for just a moment, and gave her a soft smile. “Of course.”

“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you were waiting for me to come back and sit with him. You should go now- get some rest.”

But Donna didn’t move. “I’m not leaving,” she said in a polite but firm manner, as If that completely closed the case on the matter.

Ava was stunned, unsure of what to say in response to Donna’s show of loyalty towards her son. Though the two had spoken on the phone at regular intervals, she felt she didn’t know her well enough to say anything. So Ava kept her mouth shut, taking a seat on the other side of Josh and sitting quietly with her son.

After a few hours, Ava called it a night, ready to head back to Josh’s apartment and regroup before returning in the morning. Josh had barely stirred all day and it would still be hours before he was lucid given the drug cocktail he was receiving through an IV. Nurses were in and out all day and were pleased with his vitals so she was comfortable leaving him until morning.

“Do you need a ride,” Ava asked, fishing out her keys.

“No,” Donna answered simply. Why did everyone think she was going to leave. She thought he’d made herself clear.

“Oh.” Ava watched her face closely. She’d assumed that Donna would at least go home for the night. “Well, call me if you need anything dear,” she walked over to Donna, leaning down to give her a warm hug. “I’m so glad he has you in his life. He’s very lucky.”

Donna’s mouth quirked up ever so slightly. “I’m the lucky one,” she stated honestly, twining her fingers into Josh’s again.

Donna sat in the now silent room, watching his chest as he struggled to take shallow, raspy breaths. And finally, the last 24 hours caught up with her. Donna burst into tears, the emotional catharsis she’d been studiously avoiding finally exploding out of her with force. She couldn’t stop it- she couldn’t even control it.

She just sobbed and sobbed.

_She’d almost lost him. What if she’d lost him? He was just laying there in so much pain because he was shot. Someone shot him. Oh, God. He’s in pain and there’s nothing she can do about it. What if he really doesn’t know how she feels?_

“Josh,” she spoke softly, her voice so shaky she could barely make out her own words, “I know you’re asleep… and you wouldn’t remember this anyway, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you how much you mean to me. I’m sorry I’ve never told you I love you,” she sobbed. “But please, just get better, okay, and I’ll tell you. Because I do, Josh, I do love you.”

She softly kissed his lips and studied his face, and that’s when she lost all control. Her body had tried to keep up with the emotional collapse she was avoiding for the last day but it couldn’t maintain pace anymore. Her sobs turned to hiccups and she melted back into the chair by his bed, burying her face in her hands. Her soft cries turned into silent sobs, and eventually to hiccups, before she began to dry heave.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat that way when she felt strong hands pulling her off of the floor.

“Donna?” Sam was startled by the way he found her, but his voice remained soothing. “Donna, what’s wrong?”

She was well beyond the ability to form coherent sentences. Sam wrapped her up in his arms and held her, unsure of what else to do. This, he thought, is what Josh would do, and he had to start somewhere. He didn’t say much of anything, trying to simply be a comfort to her.

The truth was, she was oddly comforting to him. Josh has been his best friend for years and Sam hadn’t had time to truly process what had happened the night before. “C’mon, Donna,” Sam tried, not realizing the depth of her sorrow, “I’ll take you home.”

Every muscle in Donna’s body tensed at that. “I can’t just leave him, Sam. I won’t do it. I won’t walk away like it doesn’t mean anything. I won’t make that mistake again. I love him, Sam,” she sobbed into his shirt.

Sam tightened his embrace. “I know you do,” he told her. “And Josh loves you, too.” They had all become family over the past years, and while Sam understood that Josh and Donna were particularly close, he had no reason to suspect that Donna meant anything more by that statement than CJ or even Toby would.

Sam let her cry for a few more minutes, moving them to perch on the oversized chair sitting in the far corner of Josh’s room.

Unsure of what to say, and honestly afraid to make the situation worse, Sam just sat with Donna, holding onto her, and letting her know she had a friend in him. He was glad he had motioned to Dr. Bartlet before entering the room as he was quickly becoming worried about her. He was sure he’d never seen another person in this emotional state. She was borderline catatonic.

Abbey Bartlet took one look at Donna and pulled up a chair, sitting at eye level with her. She took her hand and attempted to get her attention. “Donna?”

Donna only continued to cry, turning her face to bury in Sam’s shirt.

Part of Abbey wanted to attempt to calm the younger woman, encouraging her to take deep breaths or go home for a break and some sleep, but Abbey had been watching her for the past 24 hours and she knew what she was up against. She knew what would get through to Donna, so she simply cut to the chase.

“Look, Donna. I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think it’s a good idea for Josh to see you like this,” she spoke quietly, but was very matter of fact. She could tell Donna was listening. “If he knew you weren’t taking care of yourself he’d be upset with all of us and all that stress isn’t going to help him recover. So how about this… we compromise. You promise to eat something and lay down next door and I’ll make sure nobody bothers you about leaving anymore, okay? I’ll find a place to shower and we can have CJ bring you a bag. Do we have a deal?”

Sam leaned down to look at her in anticipation of a response, but Donna just continued to cry, shaking her head ‘no.’

“Donna? Did you hear what Dr. Bartlet said to you?” Sam was speaking to her much in the way that he spoke to small children- not in an effort to be condescending- but because he was honest to God unsure if she heard the words being spoken to her.

She looked up at him, still sobbing. “Please, Sam,” she begged, “please don’t make me leave him.” She gripped his arm and stared at him desperately. “You have to understand. Please.”

Dr. Bartlet stood and poked her head out the doorway, speaking briefly with the head nurse and coming back to kneel down in front of Donna. Her heart broke for the normally composed Donna, who was falling to pieces right in front of her. “Donnatella.” The use of her given name was strategic in nature. Abbey knew it would reach her- and it did. She looked up at Dr. Bartlet, the tears momentarily paused as Donna’s body continued to sob. “Donna you’re going to make yourself sick again. Listen to me. You need to get some sleep and calm down if you’re going to be able to help Josh. They’re going to bring a fold out cot in here for you to lay down on so you’re still right here with him. You can take a sleeping pill and lay down or I can give you an IV and sedate you. The choice is yours but its one or the other.”

Slowly, almost imperceptivity, Donna nodded her head in agreement.

“Okay,” Dr. Bartlet stood. CJ will be here with your bag. Why don’t you go ahead and splash some water on your face and I’ll send her in with your things. Then I’d like you to just eat a few bites of a sandwich and have a nurse check you out, alright?”

Donna stood, on shaky feet, and Abbey grabbed her arm. “When was the last time you drank something?”

Donna wasn’t sure. “Ok, let’s get you some water too. Are you going to drink it or do you want an IV?”

“I’ll drink it,” Donna whispered, looking at the floor.

“Donna, there’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Dr. Bartlet said, almost reading her mind. “It’s okay to be upset, we just have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well as Josh, okay?”

Sam gave her a reassuring squeeze with the arm still draped across her shoulders.

Only a few minutes later Donna was laying down on the futon, covering up with a blanket to stay by Josh’s side while her sleeping pill kicked in.

“Sam and I will be here,” Abbey assured him. “Josh will be fine, and I promise to wake you if needed.”

“Thank you,” she said earnestly, allowing her head to hit the pillow for the first time in two days.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

Donna slowly woke up to the steady beep of Josh’s heart rate monitor. Though she was groggy and slightly confused at first, she was smiling even before she opened her eyes. He was right there, in the same room, and those perfectly timed beeps were music to her ears. Rubbing her eyes and taking in her surroundings, it didn’t take her long to realize he was still completely out of it. She stretched, making her way over to him. They were alone, so she didn’t hesitate to kiss his forehead when she told him good morning. That little gesture would have to stop soon enough, she told herself, so one last time wouldn’t hurt.

 

And with that, she gathered the bag of clothes that CJ had dropped off and took a hot shower. Once she was pleased with her fresh faced, ready for the day appearance, she tidied up the room, told a sleeping Josh she’d be right back and walked to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee.

 

She squared her shoulders and stood up straight. She assured herself that her prior breakdown was but a minor blip on the radar. She was back and she was going to be strong for him.

 

Carrying her warm cup back upstairs, she flipped open her cell phone and made a few calls, leaving messages where need be. She’d made sure the office was covered and then moved on to personal items- checking in with everyone she knew he’d need to speak to and making arrangements for his vehicle.

 

Dr. Wilson explained that Josh should be waking up at any time, and though he’d be in pain he’d be able to manage it without sedation. They’d examine him and determine where his care was headed, but that they were pleased with his vitals at this point.

 

“I’m sure he’ll be glad to have a familiar face in here,” he added, moving to read a chart. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

 

OooooooooO

 

Ava Lyman stood in the doorway to her son’s hospital room clutching a bag of breakfast and a cup of fresh tea for Donna. The last few days had been an emotional rollercoaster. She’d barely been able to process the thought of coming so close to losing her son. And though he’d made it through surgery, she realized he still had a long way to go in his recovery.

 

He’d certainly beaten the odds once again, and for that she would be eternally grateful. She couldn’t handle the loss of her only remaining family member.

 

But, of all of the strange revelations she’d had in the last days, one stood out more than the others. She stood quietly, not wishing to make her presence known, and watched. Donna sat beside Josh’s bed, softly speaking to him and gently holding his hand. Though her son’s eyes were closed Ava could tell he was awake by the small, content smile that would occasional peek up in the corners of his mouth when she spoke.

 

This woman, she thought, was exactly the medicine her son needed.

 

OooooooooO

 

Once Josh was awake once again, Donna buzzed the front desk to notify them of their semi-coherent patient. Dr. Wilson introduced himself to Josh and explained once again, very calmly, the procedure Josh had undergone. 

 

"Were just going to need to examine you and change your bandage and then we will be out of your way for a while." Dr. Wilson turned to Donna, who was quietly sitting by Josh's bedside. "Miss Moss? Would you like to step out?"

 

"Oh." Donna hasn't really thought about it but didn't want to make Josh uncomfortable. She moved slightly, to grab her phone. 

 

"S'okay," Josh glanced over to her and muttered softly. "She can stay," he told the doctor, who nodded his head in acknowledgment and began to examine Josh from head to toe. 

 

Donna could tell that Josh hated the poking and prodding, but he was handling it all very well and seemed to be getting along with Dr. Wilson. 

 

Donna was glad she'd stayed when they began to discuss pain management for Josh, as well as respiratory care and physical therapy in the next weeks. 

 

Dr. Wilson pulled down Josh's gown to his waist and a nurse began to remove large bandages covering his wounds. There were more than she'd anticipated, smaller bandages covering tiny incisions for a chest tube and a spot on his arm, as well as the larger incision and his bullet wound. She swallowed hard at the concrete evidence that he had a bullet wound. 

 

As the nurse peeled the coverings away, Donna's heart dropped into her stomach. No, she wasn't disgusted, and she didn't pity him, she was simply dismayed at the thought that someone could do this to him. 

 

Josh, who has never done well with any kind of blood, looked away, not wishing to catch a glimpse of what was going on. He scanned the room with his eyes, searching for something to focus on, locking eyes with Donna. He was so afraid he'd see pity or disgust, but he saw neither. Instead, he was met with unwavering support and a gentle kindness from which he drew comfort he needed. 

 

Once the wounds were bandaged again, his tubes and monitors checked and cleared, Dr. Wilson motioned for Donna to join him beside the bed. “Josh, “I’d like to you try and sit up for just a few moments and then we’re going to get you to stand up and try to get the blood flowing in your legs. Donna, would you like to stand next to him over here?”

 

With some strategic maneuvering, Josh was sitting up on the side of his bed, letting the blood flow normalize so he didn’t get a head rush.

 

“Okay, and go ahead and stand up,” Dr. Wilson stood close to Josh, one hand on his elbow and the other on the opposite shoulder. Donna flanked him on the other side of him, her hand lightly resting on his back. Once he was standing she moved a bit closer before she even thought about it. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him. Conscious of his incisions, she moved closer to him, their bodies barely touching. Dr. Wilson let go of his patient so Josh could take a short stroll.

 

Donna, however, remained where she was.

 

“If you want to get handsy with me, Donna, you can just ask,” he smirked.

 

She lifted her hand to scratch his now stubbly chin. “Just make sure you’re able to keep up with me, Lyman,” she winked at him. “Come on,” she took a step in front of him and shot him a smile. “I’ll brief you while we walk to the nurse’s station and back.”

 

OooooooooO

 

After their brief walk Josh was exhausted, and somewhat shocked at his lack of stamina. Dr. Wilson had helped him lay back down and was making sure he was connected to the stationary heart rate monitor, other medical devices and now the morphine drip, which he would need in an hour or so as his pain meds continued to wear off.

 

Josh was flopped down on his hospital bed looking, in Donna’s opinion, a little sorry for himself. She didn’t want him to brood, as being both cooped up and in a bad mood wasn’t going to do him any favors. She let the doctor work as she refilled his mug with cold water, rounding the corner of the pulled curtain and stopping dead in her tracks, ready to turn and leave, hoping she was unseen. Josh, however, seemed to be oblivious to the fact that he was as naked as the day he was born.

 

“Is that water?” he asked, sounding somewhat helpless, a stark contrast from his snark only a few minutes prior.

 

“Yes.” Donna decided if he wasn’t going to be uncomfortable she certainly wouldn’t either. Besides, its nothing she hadn’t seen before. She stepped over to stand beside him and held the large mug, poking him in the cheek with the straw a few times to get a laugh out of him before he took a drink.

 

“Alright, Mr. Lyman, you can put your gown back on. Page me if you need anything,” he called as he excited the room, leaving Josh and Donna alone again.

 

Josh sat there for just a moment before the doctors words registered with him. “My gown,” he repeated before letting out a large whelp. “DONNA!” he struggled to cover himself up but between the lack of mobility and the exhaustion, the attempt was mostly futile.

 

Donna very calmly pulled the blanket up to his waist to give him some semblance of modesty. Josh struggled to pull it up even farther, covering himself to his shoulders as he stared at Donna, who was taking her time unfolding a clean hospital gown.

 

“Here,” she told him holding the arms up to him.

 

He simply looked at her in disbelief.

 

“Joshua,” she sighed, letting her arms fall a bit. “The next few months are going to be difficult, we both know that. And I know you’d rather be hard headed and independent about all of this, but seriously, you have to let me help you. I just want what’s best for you, Josh. I want you to get better.”

 

He muttered something under his breath.

 

“So,” she continued, “I can help you get dressed or you can call a nurse. Or your mother.”

 

Josh groaned, letting the blanket fall and allowing her to help him. Once he was settled back into his bed he muttered a quiet ‘thank you’ but couldn’t seem to look her in the eye.

 

“You’re welcome,” she told him, her voice firm. “Besides,” she continued to fuss over his blankets, “it’s not like I haven’t seen the Lyman family jewels before,” she smirked.

 

“DONNA!” he couldn’t believe she’d said that. It was such an unspoken topic between them. “This is… different.”

 

“You’re right,” she admitted, her voice taking on an entirely different tone. “It is. But Josh, there are going to be lots of obstacles in the next few months and in all seriousness, you need to understand that I’m going to be here for you. You don’t have to feel awkward about asking me for something, or for not feeling well or for having some kind of medical issue. It’s just the way it its going to be for a little while and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on and we can get through this together.”

 

“You’re good to me, Donna Moss,” he told her, appreciating what she was saying.

 

“Don’t I know it,” she laughed. “And don’t worry about the other thing either. I’m very aware of your, erm, shall we say full potential?”

 

His eyes widened once again as he mentally counted down the seconds for the morphine to kick in so he didn’t have to address this issue head on anymore.

 

Her smirk grew a bit more as she narrowed her gaze on him, her eyes taking on a sultry look. “And Joshua? I assure you… You have nothing to be ashamed about in that department.”

 

OooooooooO

 

“Donna?” He was just waking up after dozing off for a few minutes.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“These socks are itchy.”

 

Donna had been focused on work for the last few hours as Josh alternately dozed and chatted with her about a very bizarre combination of topics. He’d been demanding very odd things all morning- to speak with everyone from Senators to Lord Marbury, and while Donna wasn’t going to allow that she was also exhausted. It would be just so much easier to give into him. She looked up from the email she was reading to find him staring at her as if itchy socks were the most pressing matter in the world.

 

She stat her laptop to the side, standing up and moving to his feet. She began to peel one of the socks off when he protested loudly.

 

“No! What are you doing?”

 

“I’m taking your socks off. You just told me they itched.” She stated the obvious.

 

“Don’t take them off,” he curled his toes a bit, the only physical protest he could muster.

 

“Okay… what do you want me to do about the itchy socks?”

 

He thought about it for a minute, and she could see the morphine soaked wheels turning in his mind. “I’d like to file a complaint,” he stated with finality.

 

“A complaint.” She tried to bite her tongue to prevent herself from laughing. He was taking himself very seriously. “With whom?”

 

“The sock people. Get them on the phone.”

 

“Josh, I’m not sure you can file a complaint with the sock people.”

 

“I’m the Deputy Chief of Staff, Donnatella. I’m a very powerful man.”

 

“I’m aware,” she smirked.

 

“So, get them on the phone.”

 

She looked at him for a minute and contemplated what to do before pulling her phone out and dialing a familiar number.

 

“Toby Ziegler’s office,” the gruff voice came over the line.

 

“Yes, um,” she glanced over at Josh who was waiting expectantly. “This is Josh Lyman’s office-“

 

“Tell them who I am,” he attempted to whisper.

 

“…this is Deputy Chief of Staff Josh’s Lymans office,” she corrected herself with an eye roll.

 

“Donna, what are you talking about,” Toby interrupted on the other end of the phone.

 

“Mr. Lyman would like to file a complaint regarding a pair of itchy socks,” she continued.

 

“Mr. Lyman,” he repeated smugly, a cocky grin on his face.

 

Toby burst out laughing. “I just received your email warning me about this- What in the hell is going on over there.”

 

Donna bit her lip to stifle a laugh. It felt good to be happy again for a moment. “I’m going to hand the phone to Josh now,” she stated, sitting back to watch the rest of the entertainment unfold before her.

 

OooooooooO

 

“Why didn’t they give me a knife,” Josh wondered out loud, staring at his hospital issued dinner tray. “I wonder if it’s because of the silent K?”

 

“Or maybe it’s due to the fact that you’re being served Jello and clear broth?” He’d been saying strange things all day.

 

“Knife. Knight, night. Knock. Knot, not.”

 

Donna stared at him. He wasn’t making any sense, spouting off a random assortment of words.

 

“Know, no. Knuckle. Knock… Knapsack.”

 

“Well there’s that 760 verbal shining through,” Donna muttered to herself. Finally, Josh stopped speaking, looked at Donna and smiled. She couldn’t help but smile back. He finally looked happy. He hadn’t looked that happy in days.

 

“I’ve figured out the problem, Donna!”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. Silent K’s. From now on, no more words with silent K’s, Okay?”

 

She grinned broadly. “Whatever you say.”

 

“It’s a Rule,” he emphasized the importance of his new decision, knowing damn good and well that if it was a rule she’d make sure it was followed. “Be sure to tell the other’s it’s a rule.”

 

“I’ll get right on that,” she appeased him.

 

And like clockwork, Sam strolled in, a smile on his face. “Hi guys!” Sam was always perky.

 

“Tell him, Donna,” Josh spoke in a low, urgent tone. “It’s important that you tell him.”

 

“I know,” she conceded.

 

“You WHAT?” He was incredulous upon hearing her choice of words.

 

“I’m aware of the importance,” she told him with mock indignation. “I’m apprised of the situation, Joshua.”

 

“Yeah. That’s what I thought you said,” he muttered.

 

“Don’t use words with silent K’s in Josh’s presence,” she haphazardly warned Sam. She rolled her eyes a bit as she spoke, but she secretly loved it. Her man had come back to her.

 

Josh repeatedly pressed the red button on his morphine clicker, even though his maximum allowed dosage was already beginning to course through his veins. 

 

“I’ll be back in about 20 minutes,” she told him, grabbing a note pad and her cell phone.

 

"You're leaving me?" He shot her a sad look. 

 

"Just for a minute," she assured him, moving his blankets around to make him more comfortable and doing a visual once over to make sure every seemed to be okay before she dared even walk down the hall. "I have to make a quick phone call to Leo and sign some paperwork for your insurance. But Sam's here to keep you company," she told him cheerily. 

 

"Kay."

 

"Need anything before I go," she asked. 

 

"How 'bout a kiss?"

 

Sam did a double take and Donna rolled her eyes. “The morphine makes him say crazy things,” she told Sam in an aside. “You’ll see.”

 

"Aw, c'mon, Donna. I'm wounded. I can't get one little kiss?" Josh was now in a full on whine.

 

She chuckled under her breath before leaning down and giving him a peck on the cheek. "Get it together," she whispered so that only he could hear before standing up and smoothing his blanket one more time. "Goodbye, Joshua," she told him somewhat sarcastically before leaving the room. 

 

"She's way too good to you, man," Sam remarked with a laugh, thinking of everything Donna had put up with over the years. 

 

"Yeah," Josh agreed. "She's like... the perfect woman."

 

"Yeah." Sam raised his eyebrows a bit before agreeing with his drugged friend. 

 

"Hey, back off." Josh furrowed his brow. "She's mine."

 

Sam chuckled at that, thinking Donna would probably slap him if she heard that remark. It was well known in DC that nobody was allowed to look twice at Donna Moss, per decree of the Deputy Chief of Staff. 

 

A silent moment passed between them as Josh began to grow tired, his mind clearly still focused on Donna. 

 

"She's smart and funny and smart..."

 

"...you said smart twice," Sam interjected. 

 

"...and caring and patient..." Josh didn't even slow his slightly slurred speech. "AND she's gorgeous."

 

"She is." Sam agreed.

 

"Hey, Sam?" Josh yawned. 

 

"Hmm?"

 

"I'm da man," he smiled confidently in the direction of the doorway before his eyes blinked closed again and he drifted off to sleep. 

 

Sam gave Josh an odd look, not wanting to argue with him in this state. "Whatever you say, buddy."

 

XxxxxxxX

 

I'm happy to be able to post this little chapter of scenes from a day at the hospital with Josh and Donna. We all know this is going to be a long and trying road for him (and her by default) so I thought they could use a happy little chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter 4

Josh’s recovery was progressing as well as could be expected and he was moved from the ICU to a regular room, Donna toting all of their belongings and following closely behind as he was wheeled along by a nurse.

“Whatcha doin?" She hopped onto the side of his bed as Josh occupied the chair in his room, a last ditch effort to lighten his mood with some playful conversation. He'd been growing increasingly agitated every day that he was confined to bed. She'd banned work, the majority of the sections in newspapers and all of the major news networks to keep his blood pressure down and he wasn't taking it so well. 

He mumbled something under his breath. It was going to be one of those days. 

"Breathing exercises?" Even if the conversation was one sided she was going to continue. 

"This thing doesn't even work!"

She furrowed her brow. "What do you mean it doesn't work."

"It's stuck," he gestured to the small blue ball in the spirometer. 

"Josh," she hopped down and moved to perch on the ottoman. "You have to do the breathing exercises." She rest her hand on his knee. 

"I am, Donna," he snapped. "This damn thing is broken." Josh threw the spirometer into his lap and leaned his head back against his chair. "You try it."

Donna eyed him closely. She knew he needed a little motivation. She carefully picked it up, taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling, watching the device's marker move up with her strong breath. 

He gaped at her. 

"What?" She shrugged her shoulders. "Were you expecting me to let you win?"

"Well, I..." Truth be told, he kind of was. 

She shot him a mischievous grin. "You've got to get your lung capacity up, Josh, and I'm going to make sure you do. How else are you going to yell at rogue Senators? And though I can think of one sure fire way to get you breathing a little harder I'm thinking your cardiologist wouldn't approve of that activity at this point."

His jaw dropped, his eyes widening as his eyebrows shot up. Was she implying... she was. He couldn't believe it. That wasn't like Donna. Josh was rendered speechless. 

"So keep working on your spirometer," she continued, never missing a beat. "Leo's here to see you so I'll be down the hall."

He continued to stare at her. She was so nonchalant about it. Maybe, he thought, she was just trying to get a reaction out of him. Yes, that was it. But he had to hand it to her- It had worked. 

OooooooooO

“Look, Doc, I feel like things are pretty under control here,” Josh tried to keep a level tone as he spoke to Dr. Wilson prior to being taken to his first session of physical therapy. “So the real question is when can I go home?”

Donna tried to maintain a neutral face, but she had to fight urge to ask Josh if he was talking about someone else. He thought he was ready to go home?

“Well,” Dr. Wilson hedged, “I will say you’re recovering well, but we need you to heal internally a bit more before we can send you home, Mr. Lyman. We need to see some increased mobility as well as continued consistency in your heart rate and blood pressure. Your incisions look good overall and we can set up a nurse to change your bandages. It will be a relatively minor part of your recovery once your home. We will also need you to switch to solid foods and have a BM before you are discharnged.” Dr. Wilson scribbled a few notes onto a clipboard.

“BM?” Josh was confused.

“Bowl Movement,” Dr. Wilson responded.

Josh flushed, visibly embarrassed. “Oh God, I’m sorry I asked.”

“And how long should we expect for all of those items to be checked off of the list,” Donna asked, jotting something down on her own note pad.

“Donna!” Josh was beyond exasperated. “Can we not, you know, discuss this? Maybe there should be a little bit of mystery left between us.” He looked anywhere but at her, though he did glance over out of the corner of his eye. “Are you taking notes on this?!? Donna, I beg you, stop taking notes.”

“Oh get over it, Joshua,” she told him. “Everybody poops.”

“If everyone can please… Just. Stop. Talking.” Josh whined. 

“Stop talking about what,” Ava Lyman wandered in, looking around at the room’s occupants. 

“Oh God,” Josh groaned, turning his focus to Dr. Wilson. “Any chance you can just sedate me again?”

Dr. Wilson cracked a smile before leaving his patient with the two women in his life. “Now where’s the fun in that?”

OoooooooO  
A somewhat sweaty, somewhat pale, and completely irritated Josh climbed back onto his hospital bed after his first day of PT. 

Donna had been assured that while this was a very light session, an intro, really, Josh would be exhausted due to the sedentary nature of his recovery to date.

Well, he was definitely cranky. There was no denying that. 

"Take those cuffs off," he instructed, moving his ankles a bit to try and escape the pressure cuffs that were clearly bugging him. 

Donna shot him a glare. There's no way. 

"They bother me," he halfway barked. Josh seemed like he was at his breaking point with being confined to bed. "Joshua! Do we even need to say the word pulmonary embolism," Donna scolded, trying to keep her voice down in case his mother was within ear shot. "They can come off when you're mobile. And to walk around you need strength, so start eating," she told him, instinctively moving to his feet and beginning to lightly massage his legs as she lightened her tone of voice. "You did great today. You'll be out of here soon."

He muttered something under his breath, clearly thinking I couldn't hear him. Something about being stuck in a rehab facility. 

Donna said nothing at first, unsure if she wanted to broach the topic at this point. Josh let out a little sigh of contentment, his eyes beginning to flutter closed as she worked her way up his legs, relieving some of the soreness brought on by the morning's PT session. She continued to move up, he hands working over his knees as he let out a groan as her fingers hit his inner thigh. 

"So," she began, "I think we should start to talk about what's going to happen when you leave the hospital."

"Hmmph." The annoyance was back. 

"You'll be home in a few days, Josh, so I've found a home healthcare company who will send a nurse to your apartment."

"Donna-" Josh began to whine in protest. 

"Joshua!" She didn't care if she was snippy, she needed to make sure he had the best care possible. "I can't do it all on my own. I'll be there but you're still going to need specialized care. And your mother is trying but she's exhausted, too. Can we please just agree that you'll see how it goes?" Donna was on the brink of tears. 

He froze, watching her stare off into space. He could see the water pooling in her eyes. He had no idea she was this bent out of shape. He didn't mean to cause her any additional stress- he just wasn't exactly looking forward to having a stranger in his home to care for him. "Wait," he furrowed his brow, his brain replaying their conversation. "Did you say you'll be there?"

She gave him a hesitant glance. "Well, yes. Unless you don't want me to. I mean I can find someone full time to..."

"No," he cut her off. "I'd like it to be you. I'd like for you to be... you know... around."

She gave him a weak smile and continued to rub his thighs, a satisfied grin plastered on his face. "Getting a little handsy there, Donnatella," he quipped, the hint of an amused smirk finally making an appearance on his face. "Not that I mind..."

Only then did she realize how far north her hands had drifted, stilling her motions before giving him a little pinch for the sarcasm. "I'm sure you don't," she volleyed back. 

Even though he was talking and joking around with her, she could tell he was fighting sleep. 

"Get some rest," she told him. 

OooooooooO

"CJ?" Donna stood in the kitchen a waited for a response, tossing her keys down on the counter. She hadn't been back to their apartment in a week, and frankly the hospital was beginning to feel more like home. "Ceej," she called again. "You home?"

When there was no response Donna grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and made her way to her bedroom and took a long, hot shower. She stood under the water, letting her muscles loosen up and trying to wash away the last week. 

She thought of him. She’d hated to leave but she knew she had to. He’d be okay, she told herself. The physicians and nurses at the hospital were fantastic. There really wasn’t anything she could do for him that they couldn’t, she assured herself. Yet she still felt uneasy about leaving. 

He’d all but sent her home, snapping at her out of the blue while she was writing thank you notes for the endless flower arrangements he’d been receiving. 

‘Stop clicking your pen.’ ‘I can do things for myself.’ ‘Just leave me alone.’ And finally, the fatal blow. ‘Maybe you should just leave,’ he’d told her.

That had stopped her dead in her tracks. She hadn’t been able to cover her reaction, and he’d been easily able to tell he’d gotten to her, continuing on course. ‘I don’t need you to take care of me like I’m a child, Donna. I need some space. Just go home or something.’

At first she’d ignored him, his words out of character for the way he’d been so clingy over the last week. She thought he’d needed her. But he continued in that direction all afternoon, letting her know in no uncertain terms that he just needed some space. And so she, begrudgingly, had left for the night.

She hated it. As if her heart hadn’t been broken enough in the last week, now she’d done something to make him push her away. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been in the shower, tears of anger, frustration, hurt and despair that had built up over the last 7 days finally falling freely. It had to have been quite a while, she calculated, as the water was now running completely cold. She felt better for it though, she had to admit. Emotionally purged, to some extent.

Stepping out of the shower Donna dried off and wandered lazily into her bedroom, toweling her hair as she dug around for some comfortable clothes. It would be good to sleep in her own bed again. 

She was interrupted by her ringing phone. 

"Hello?" She didn't recognize the number. 

"Donna? This is Ava Lyman..."

Donna froze, her muscles tensing. "What's wrong," she managed to choke out. 

"Everything's going to be fine, dear," Ava hurriedly explained, understanding that Donna was likely expecting the worst. "He's just had a rough day. He's sore and uncomfortable and he's running a low grade fever, but I've been assured there's nothing to worry about."

The tension began to somewhat seep out of her once again, but she was still on edge. 

"Can I talk to him," she asked somewhat timidly, already dressing with whatever she could find. She didn't think he'd want to speak to her, let alone see her, with the way they'd left things that afternoon but he didn't have to. It wouldn't stop her from sitting guard outside of his room. 

"He's with the doctor now. He was uncomfortable but they're not crazy about upping his pain medication and he doesn't want to take a sleeping pill."

Donna sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. He hated sleeping pills. Any kind of medication, really, but if his body was going to heal he needed to get his rest. But after his words with her this afternoon she didn't think she could talk any sense into him. 

"Donna," Ava began hesitantly, "he's been asking for you."

Donna momentarily clutched her heart. She was overwhelmed. He'd asked for her. He needed her and she wasn't there. In the blink of an eye she grabbed her keys and was out the door.

OooooooooO

Donna stepped quietly into the darkened hospital room, somewhat afraid of what she would find. Ava had been very tight lipped when she’d called.

Donna heard him breathe a sigh of relief as soon as she crossed the threshold. Though Josh wouldn’t admit it, he’d been holding onto unfounded terror that she wouldn’t come to him. 

“Hey there,” she shot him an easy smile, resting her hand on his knee. “How ya doin?”

He responded with the smallest shrug she’d ever seen- it was all he could muster. “Been better.”

Donna knew she had her work cut out for her tonight. She sat her purse down and studied his face, trying to determine how she should approach this. He fidgeted with the slim wire of the electrodes still attached to his chest. His left leg squirmed around a bit under the covers. He was restless, she could easily see that.

“Are you sore?” She knew his first PT session had taken a lot out of him earlier, but she wasn’t sure how much they had done.

He only grunted in response. 

She handed him the small cup containing the sleeping pill the nurse had informed her he needed to take to get some rest and allow his fever to break. “Please,” she whispered softly, causing him to immediately comply with her request.

“Roll onto your side,” she told him.

He glanced sideways at her, clearly worried about moving off of his back and the potential pain that would bring to his sternum. 

She placed her hand on his arm, coaxing him onto his side. “Dr. Wilson said you could try to lay on your right side for a short amount of time. If it’s too uncomfortable you can move back to how you were.”

He slowly moved to his right side, rolling onto a large pillow for support. She snaked her hand into the back of his gown, gently rubbing his back and shoulders. He let out a heavy sigh.

“That feels good,” he told her softly. 

“Just relax,” she assured him. It was only a few more minutes before Josh was asleep. Donna eased him onto his back, pulling an extra blanket over him. 

“Please don’t leave,” he whispered as he faded into a restless slumber.

“I’ll be right here,” she softly kissed his temple, mentally telling herself that she had to top doing that… eventually. “I’ll always be right here,” she assured his sleeping form before crawling into the chair beside his bed. 

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

He was making a steady recovery. Textbook, they’d said. But he still had a long way to go. He was, however, being sent home. Donna had already taken two loads of things to the car. All that was left was to sign the discharge paperwork. She threw his backpack over her shoulder and knocked softly on the bathroom door. He was changing into the clothes she’d brought for him, insistent that he didn’t need any help. 

“You okay?”

No response.

“Josh?”

She heard a sigh. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

She doubted he was, but she dropped it. Several minutes later he emerged, dressed in the sweats and button up flannel she’d brought him. Loose fitting and easy to get on, she wanted him to avoid having to pull something over his head. Even though he thought he was getting back to normal, she knew that he just wasn’t quite there yet and she didn’t want him to feel defeated. Not when she could prevent it.

“The nurse will be here any minute,” she told him.

He rolled his eyes. “I can walk,” he protested. “I really don’t need the wheelchair.”

He really couldn’t. “It’s hospital policy, Josh. The sooner you comply the sooner we’re out of here. I’m parked in the garage so nobody’s going to see you,” she added, knowing what he was thinking.

He relented, although begrudgingly, and rode out of GW after two of the most trying weeks of his life. Donna walked beside him and pulled the car around, helping him get settled in. She was nervous about something, but he couldn’t exactly place what the problem was.

“Pillow?” She asked him, closing the driver’s side door. “Where’s the pillow, Josh? They told you to put it between your heart and the seatbelt.”

“Donna, just drive me home.”

“Josh!” Her voice was borderline frantic, causing him to quickly swivel his head to look at her.

She was rattled, that was for sure, the tears forming quickly in her eyes. “After all of this you’re telling me you aren’t going to put that little pillow on your heart? What if something happens!? What if I do something that hurts you? MY driving. Please, Josh,” she quickly swiped a few falling tears from her eyes, honestly unsure why they were even falling. Perhaps, she thought, it was because she’d spent practically every waking moment in a hospital for two weeks, her nerves completely mangled and her sense of worry so far beyond worn that she didn’t even know what to panic about anymore. 

Josh didn’t like It when she cried. Well, that was an understatement. “Okay,” he offered quickly, just wanting the tears to stop. “Okay, it’s alright. Just hand it to me.” His eyes were wide as he watched her for a reaction. 

She looked around the vehicle, pulling the small pillow from a tote bag in the backseat and placing it ever so gently where it needed to rest, never making eye contact with him. Wordlessly, she placed his Audi into drive and pulled cautiously out of the parking garage, making her way carefully back to his apartment.

She pulled into a spot in front of his building, Josh opening his eyes after resting them quietly on the ride.

“And we have company,” she gave him a smile.

“Why are Toby and Sam here?”

“They just wanted to welcome you home,” she told him. Which wasn’t completely a lie. They’d wanted to greet him upon his discharge from the hospital, but honestly Donna wasn’t sure how getting up the stairs with Josh was going to go either, so the visit was multipurpose. She was glad to have them nearby, glad she could count on them. “CJ’s upstairs with your Mom,” she added softly, unbuckling her seatbelt. “They’ll just be here for a minute, okay? If you’re not feeling up to it I can send them home now. You can blame it on me,” she offered.

He gave her a soft smile. “Thanks, but it’s okay.”

She nodded her head softly before getting out and rounding the front of the vehicle, where she was greeted by Sam, who wrapped her in a warm hug and kissed her cheek. Toby nodded his greeting, standing silently to the side. She knew, however, that he was lending his silent support. 

Sam opened the door and extended a hand to his best friend, helping him out of the vehicle and moving him towards the steps to his building. As the two men made their way slowly towards Josh’s apartment Toby grabbed a few bags and held back with Donna, reminding her for the millionth time she could call at any time. 

As soon as Josh and Sam were through the door Ava took over, tending to Josh. “I’m fine,” he assured her in vain.

“Mi amor!” CJ could certainly command a room.

“Claudia Jean,” Josh greeted her, accepted a kiss on the cheek from his dear friend and joining her on the couch as the others unloaded the vehicle and sat their bags down. 

“So, I hear you’re taking my roomie for a while. Be careful, though,” CJ remarked conspiratorially, “she’ll yell at you if you leave your wet towels on the bathroom floor.” 

This earned a sincere chuckle from Josh.

“Brought you these,” CJ handed him a gift box. “Well,” she admitted, leaning back into the sofa, “they’re for you and Donna, I suppose.”

Slightly confused, Josh opened the box. “Pajamas?”

CJ nodded her confirmation.

“You bought pajamas for me and Donna?” Josh’s voice was at least a full octave higher than normal. What did she know?

“Well yeah,” CJ retorted. “For you to, you know, wear, and for Donna because God knows you seem like the kind of guy who walks around less than decent.” CJ snickered.

It was a joke. Josh breathed an imperceptible sigh of relief. She didn’t know anything. Thank God. He didn’t think he could deal with that today.

They made idle chit chat with one another for only a few moments before Donna shooed them all out, citing The Rules. And though he would have liked to complain about the whole thing, he couldn’t. He was exhausted. And as much as he hated feeling like a child who needed assistance with everything, he was relieved he was alone. “Come on,” she told him. “I put fresh sheets on your bed. Why don’t you take a nap before dinner.”

Donna, patient as ever, wrapped her arm around his waist and slowly made the short trip from the living room to the bedroom with him. What would he do without this woman?

OoooooooooooO

Once Josh was settled, he was out like a light. Donna wandered back out to join Ava, helping her fold a load of laundry and unpack everything Josh had from the hospital. They’d spoken on the phone quite a bit an Donna had always been fond of Josh’s mother, but the events of the last week had created a unique bond between the two women. 

Once the house was tidied they moved to the kitchen, both of them working in tandem to make a heart healthy dinner. They stood side by side at the counter, chopping and sautéing as Ava asked Donna a plethora of questions. Both of them were eager for some lighthearted conversation, not wishing to get into anything too heavy. 

Donna found herself wishing that she had an easy relationship such as this with her own mother.

Ava told stories of Josh as a child and Donna asked all sorts of questions. She smiled as she imagined a small curly headed boy getting into all kinds of mischief. “Here, let me show you,” Ava said eventually, drying her hands on a dish towel. She pulled her wallet from her purse and procured a photo of a tiny Josh Lyman. Donna swore she felt her ovaries do a back flip but made the conscious decision not to pay any attention to that sensation. 

“Josh couldn’t have been more than 4 there,” Ava told her. “We’d rented a cabin on a lake in Maine for a week that summer. Josh talked about fishing non stop for weeks so we bought him a little pole and Noah took him down to the dock. Josh caught a fish right away and reeled it in, but when Noah took it off the hook Josh panicked,” she laughed. “He was mortified that it was slimy.”

Donna smiled at the thought. That certainly sounded like him. 

Ava subtly cleared her throat, still staring at the photo. “And that’s…”

“Joanie,” Donna supplied quietly.

Ava turned to stare at the younger woman. “Yes. How did you know that?”

Donna flushed. She didn’t mean to bring up a sensitive subject. “I’m sorry,” she began nervously, “I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s okay, dear,” Ava placed a loving hand on Donna’s shoulder. “I was just surprised, that’s all. Joshua doesn’t talk about it. It’s almost as though he can’t. He’s never really told anyone about her before. But… he told you?”

Donna nodded her head that he had. That she knew the whole story. That he’d opened up to her.

Ava’s voice dropped but she searched Donna’s face. “Do you mind if I ask when he told you?”

Donna swallowed hard. “Several years ago? It was, um, actually, the night that we met.” Donna wouldn’t lie to Ava. And at that moment she wanted so very badly to tell her everything. To just tell someone everything, how she really felt, what their history was, that she’d picked out that damn painting of a beach scene that was so obviously out of place in his hallway. But she couldn’t. The decision to disclose that information was for both of them to make. She couldn’t throw their lives into a further state of upheaval without his consent, and right now he wasn’t thinking with a level head. He didn’t need the scrutiny or the additional stress. He just needed to get better and they could figure it out from there. After all, they’d made it this far. What was a few more months?

OoooooooooooO

Donna said goodnight to Ava and double checked to make sure that the apartment was secure for the night. She paused by Josh's cracked door, not wishing to wake him if he was sleeping but needing to know he wasn’t restless. She was sure it must feel good for him to sleep in his own bed.

She'd only just lay down on the couch and pulled the spare blanket over herself when she heard him cough. Her senses were already heightened, but her eyes bolted open at the noise. He wasn't supposed to cough too hard until his chest was completely healed, but more than that she knew if he was coughing he wasn't breathing normally. 

It was only a few seconds until she heard him again. She counted two consecutive coughs before she was off the couch and headed to his bedroom, a third as she crossed the threshold of his doorway. 

"You're okay," she told him softly, grabbing a foam wedge from the side of his bed and helping him sit up a little. "Just one breath at a time," she encouraged him, knowing that this would only get worse if he panicked. 

She perched on the side of his bed, exaggerating her own breathing so he could match his breath to hers. He was quickly back to a normal rhythm, leaning back into the foam wedge she'd propped up behind him. 

He sat silently for a few minutes before declaring "I hate this damn thing."

She knew that he did. He'd been sent home from the hospital with one so he wouldn't constantly be flat on his back, but it was uncomfortable. He just wanted to be able to sleep unaided again. She silently moved to retrieve it, sitting the wedge on the floor by his bed and Hanson him an extra pillow. 

As much as he'd complained, she knew he was hesitant to be without it again, for fear of coughing all night and the complications it could lead to. 

"Just try it for a few minutes," she told him. "I'm not going anywhere."

He settled backwards and closed his eyes while Donna curled up in the chair next to his bed. 

He lay in dark silence for a few minutes, feeling secure in her presence. He was glad she was there. He was thankful that she'd been by his side the entire time, but he wondered if he'd made that clear to her. He'd been aggravated and cranky and he couldn't think of anything he'd done to give her any indication of how sincerely grateful he was to her. 

He opened his eyes in a sudden, desperate need just to see her face and watched her for a minute. She was leaning her head on her hand, her elbow propped on the armrest of the chair she'd pulled into his bedroom earlier. By no means does she look comfortable. Her head bobs and slips off her hand and she sits up and blinks a few times until she can focus, a little startled by her surroundings. He can tell the second she realizes that he's awake and watching her.

"C'mere." He whispers to her. She gets up, walking immediately over to his bedside and touches his forehead softly.

"What do you need?" She asks. Josh can plainly see the dark circles under her eyes and it breaks his heart a little. He knows she's not really getting enough rest. She's lost weight, too. He never meant for it to be like this. 

"Get in," he told her. 

"Josh?" 

"You need sleep, Donna. Real sleep. Not 15 minutes at a time in a chair or tossing around on the couch. Get in," he tugged the top blanket down a bit, trying to encourage her. 

"No. The last thing you need is someone in your bed right now."

"No, the last thing that I need is to watch you make yourself sick trying to take care of me. Please, Donna. I know I can't do much for you right now, but I can try to make sure you get some sleep. There's plenty of room."

Donna sighed and finally nodded her head in agreement. She pulled back the covers a bit more and slid in next to him. Instantly, he feels better. He reaches over and grasps her hand under the covers. He wishes he could hold her closer. He wishes he could find the words to tell her how he feels. He wishes he could change so many things for the two of them. But for now, this will have to do. 

She smiles at him softly and closes her eyes. A second later, she's asleep. 

TBC…

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

I decided to do the double update because, well, the words were flowing tonight. You guys have been so patient waiting for an update so here are two! Thank you, as always, for your reads and comments! Knowing you’re enjoying and what you like to read is so motivating to me!


	6. Chapter 6

“JOSHUA LYMAN!”

 

Josh cringed. It wasn’t every day that Donna bellowed at him. It was only a moment before she was standing in his doorway, hands on her hips, holding the phone.

 

“What did you say to that nurse?” She meant business.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” He made a face. That didn’t even sound believable as it was coming out of his mouth.

 

“Don’t play coy with me. That was the home healthcare company, She quit, Josh! That’s three nurses in three days.”

 

“Donnaaaa…” Josh whined. “I just keep getting bad ones. They’re so sensitive.”

 

Donna rolled her eyes. “They’re sending someone named Trent over today. BE. NICE.” She scolded him.

 

Josh muttered something under his breath before really beginning to take in his surroundings. “Hey. Why are you dressed like that?”

 

Donna looked down at the pencil skirt and silk camisole she was wearing. Her jacket was waiting for her in the living room.

 

“I’m going back to work today, remember? I have a meeting with Leo in 45 minutes.”

 

“Oh. Right.” He felt a bit defeated that he wasn’t able to return to work with her but at least he’d start to get back into the swing of things slowly. He was now going to be taking calls throughout the day and Donna had promised to bring a few things home to him.

 

“Take it easy on your mom today,” she told him jokingly. “And call me if you need anything.” She began to turn and leave, in a bit of a hurry and not wanting to be late.

 

“Donna?”

 

She turned at the sound of his voice to see what he needed.

 

“You look good,” he told her simply, causing a wide smile to spread across her face.

 

OoooooooO

 

After a quick rundown on the prior week’s events from Leo as well as a several dozen well wishes for Josh from staffers, Donna finally made her way to CJ’s office.

 

“Hey,” she flopped down on CJ’s couch.

“Hey yourself, stranger.”

 

“You wanted to see me?”

 

CJ laughed. “Well, yes, as a matter of fact I did. I just haven’t seen you in a while.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, well…” Donna gazed out the window, shrugging her shoulders.

 

“Donna, are you coming home?” CJ cut to the chase. This whole situation was beyond strange to her. It was clear that Donna’s devotion to Josh went well beyond that of an assistant, and CJ understood they were friends, but this seemed to even breach those boundaries.

 

Donna sighed. “No. He’s going to need someone for at least two more months.”

 

“Two months?!” CJ was astounded. “Donna, you can’t possibly be considering moving in with Josh for two months.”

 

Donna shifted uncomfortably. “Well, yeah,” she admitted. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

 

CJ stared at her sister, almost sizing her up. “Donna, is there something you need to tell me?”

 

CJ’s tone more than words grabbed Donna’s attention. “No. Why?”

 

“This… arrangement,” CJ waived her hand around, “isn’t exactly normal.”

 

“I understand,” Donna began to become defensive. “But who else is going to do it CJ? He doesn’t have anyone else. He doesn’t have a sister or a Dad and his mother is beyond exhausted and so upset most of the time that she’s not much help. So he has me, and I’m not going to abandon him!” Donna was breathing heavily at the end of her rant, catching CJ completely off guard.

 

“Okay. I’m just… asking.” CJ knew from experience that she and Donna were on thin ice in this department. And thought their relationship had grown tenfold in the last years she didn’t want to risk putting a divide between herself and Donna again.

 

“Donna, I’m sorry I have to do this. I am. But for just a minute I have no choice. I can’t be the gossipy friend. I have to be the Press Secretary and the Big Sister. Is there anything I need to know about happening?”

 

“No, Ceej,” Donna answered honestly, trying to give her sister the benefit of the doubt. They were all shaken up. Josh was her friend too and she was just trying to do her job. Trying to protect the President.

 

CJ slowly nodded her head in understanding. While she wasn’t exactly sure she believed it, she didn’t need to dig for any additional information at this point. “Okay. Well,” she cleared her throat, desperately wishing for a new topic of conversation. “Here’s your mail,. There’s one in there from Hogan,” she handed Donna a small stack of letters. “What else is new with you?”

 

OoooooooO

 

Sam punched the speakerphone button and kicked his feet up on his desk, his voice as chipper as always. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?”

 

“Well,” Josh growled, “I just paid a man to help me shower. So I’ll let you do the math on that one.”

 

Sam smiled, stifling a laugh. His best friend had always been grumpy. “I see that Donna has finally figured out where to draw the line,” he joked.

 

“Something like that.”

 

“Well, listen, I’ve got a bunch of number’s I’d like you to look over. I’m sending them with Donna this afternoon but I was hoping you could talk her into letting us come over and discuss them with you.”

 

“What makes you think that I have any say in this situation,” Josh laughed.

 

“Well, you know your schedule. Surely there has to be a time Toby and I can sneak over there with a bag of cheesesteaks and hash out a plan to flip the house.”

 

“How about Tuesday? Maybe 1:00?”

 

“Samuel Seaborn!” Donna scolded from the doorway. “Do you want to lose your phone privileges as well?”

 

“Uh oh. Gotta go,” Josh called from speaker.

 

“I will deal with you later, Joshua. And don’t think I don’t know that you fired Trent this morning,” she shouted before he had a chance to end the call.

 

“I’m sorry, Donna,” Sam at least had the decency to look guilty.

 

She waived him off. “Actually a cheesesteak sounds like heaven,” she admitted, leaning in the doorway.

 

“What can I do for you,” Sam asked, sitting up and placing his feet on the ground.

 

“I was told you had a folder for me?” 

 

Sam handed off the documents he’d just told Josh were coming.

 

“And,” Donna admitted somewhat sheepishly, “I was actually going to see if you’d like to come over tomorrow evening. I thought maybe you could keep Josh company. Give him a change in conversation while I take Ava out to dinner. I think she needs to get out of the house for a few hours. She’s looking particularly exhausted lately.”

 

“Of course,” Sam replied eagerly. “Anything you need.”

 

“Thanks, Sam,” Donna shot him a genuine smile as she stood to leave. “And Sam?”

 

Sam looked up at her once again.

 

“No cheesesteaks,” she laughed.

 

Sam grinned broadly. “Deal.”

 

OooooooooO

 

“Lay down, I need to change your bandage,” Donna instructed him.

 

“That’s okay,” Josh waived her off.

 

Donna was indignant. “It is absolutely not okay.”

 

“Seriously, Donna, it’s fine. Home health has been taking care of it all week.”

 

“Yeah, well, you just fired another nurse so it looks like today, you’re getting to spend some quality time with Nurse Donna instead.”

 

“Hey, that might be even better than a catholic school girl uniform, Donna,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

 

“Shut up,” she swatted his arm, giving him a smile.

 

Josh squirmed a bit. “Are you sure about this?”

 

“Yes,” she assured him. She couldn’t figure out what his issue was all of the sudden. She’d been by his side since day one, and NOW he was shy?

 

She sat the needed supplies on the bed beside him as he slowly unbuttoned his pajama top.

 

Donna peeled away the old bandages, Josh looking away and focusing on anything else in the room that he could think to look at. She worked diligently and gently to clean the healing wounds, following the instructions she’d been given to a T.

 

What had been a routine medical procedure with the revolving door of nurses he’d seen throughout the last weeks changed completely with her. It was somehow incredibly intimate. He was totally and completely exposed to her. More vulnerable than he’d felt, perhaps ever.

 

“I’m sorry,” he suddenly blurted out, pulling her attention away from the task at hand.

 

“For what?” She was legitimately confused.

 

“It’s ugly,” he told her, still looking away. “I’m sorry you have to do this. I’m sorry that you have to look at it.”

 

She sat her supplies down and shifted her weight a bit, moving to position herself beside him. “How could you ever say that?”

 

He stared at her for a moment. “Well, it… is.”

 

“Josh,” she lay down next to him, propping herself up on her elbow. “Look at me.”

 

He complied.

 

“It’s not ugly, it’s beautiful to me. It’s incredibly powerful. It’s a sign of another chance. It’s proof of what you’ve overcome. It’s your second lease on life.” Her free hand found its way to his bare chest, softly tracing a line parallel to his incision, just far enough not to hurt him, but close enough for the sensation to be intensified.

 

Josh shuddered somewhat involuntarily. It felt unexplainably good.

 

“I’ve seen it before, you know,” her voice dropped as she repeated her ministrations, staring at her chest. “In the hospital.”

 

He supposed he did know that. She’d sat at his bedside and she’d seen it when it looked a lot worse than this.

 

“When they were operating on you, I mean,” she told him. “I didn’t see the scar, I saw your heart. I was just praying that one day you’d have a scar.”

 

This captured his attention, her fingers still tracing a line bisecting his chest, her nails gently dragging themselves towards the smaller bullet wound on his side. He felt something stir deep inside of him. Something he’d been telling himself to ignore for far too long. Something that, until this moment, he was sure was unrequited. But maybe, just maybe, she felt something too.

 

He looked over at her. He’d had no idea. He raised his free hand to trace along her jaw line, finally silently coaxing her into eye contact with him. He was surprised to find her normally bright blue eyes to be watery, but containing so many answers.

 

“Donna?” he asked, so many questions in the simple use of her name. He had to know she was sure. That this wasn’t just a response to some Florence Nightingale syndrome. He knew that he was, but he needed to know she was ready for what this meant. Ready for him and his scars and his baggage. Ready to change the nature of their relationship.

 

The air was electric. She felt it too. They stared at each other for a few minutes, Donna’s heart pounding nervously. Was this what she thought it was? Was it everything that she’d ever dreamed of? She reflexively licked her lips, looking at him with all the longing in the world.

 

Josh moved ever so slightly towards her, his hand sliding towards the back of her head to gently encourage her to come closer, his fingers entwining in her silky blonde hair. He’d missed that feeling more than even he’d realized.

 

Before she had a chance to react, however, the phone ring, his mother shouting from the other room that Toby was on the line for him. The moment was broken.

 

Donna closed her eyes in sorrow, gently kissing the palm of his hand before moving nervously away from him and back to the pile of first aid supplies. That was, he supposed, an answer in itself. But it wasn’t the answer he wanted.

 

Josh pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as his mother walked into his bedroom, handing him the phone and asking Donna a mundane question about dinner.

 

Donna finished what she had been doing, bandaging his chest with great care as Josh watched her face intently. She never looked up, focusing only on the task at hand before quickly cleaning up and exiting the room. She never even looked at him.

 

Josh, who really hadn’t heard a word that Toby had said, let out a string of profanity, sweeping all of the contents of his nightstand off in an angry flourish and sending them crashing noisily to the floor.

 

He’d blown it.

 

 

TBC...

 

XxxxxxxxX

I know, I know. But we all knew this wasn't going to be easy... right?

 

I'm sure you guys have thoughts and opinions on this, so let's hear them! (Doesn't mean I'm going to change the story progression, but I am interested in what you think :) Comments are my motivation!) Love you all for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

Ava Lyman returned from a quick visit to the grocery store to pass the home healthcare nurse leaving in a huff. She raised her eyebrows and watched him go. There was no telling what her son had said to him this morning. 

Placing the bag of groceries down on the counter she softly made her way into her son's bedroom where he shifted uncomfortably on the edge of the bed. 

He glanced at his mother, in no mood for a lecture. She just placed her hand lightly on his shoulder, knowing Josh could use a little loving support. 

He relaxed a bit, letting out a sigh. He was just so frustrated. He thought he'd be so much better by now. It was difficult to depend on someone all the time- especially someone you wanted to be taking care of. Someone you wanted to be strong for. 

Ava could easily read the look on his face. She'd seen it before, on his father. The weeks prior had been a startling parallel to the final months of Noah's life. She remembered caring for her husband, who tried to remain strong for her despite the obstacles. She remembered the tender love between them. 

And she saw that love and care between Josh and Donna. The way he looked at her- the way she cared for him with unwavering devotion. She was able to get through to him- not an easy task. And he found comfort in her that Ava had never seen her son accept before. 

"I'm glad you're here, Mom," Josh admitted. He realized he hadn't expressed that to her. 

"I wouldn't be anywhere else," she gave his shoulder a squeeze. They sat quietly before Ava said what she knew Josh needed to hear. 

"You know, dear, every time a nurse quits or you fire one, Donna has to pick up the slack. She's burning the candle at both ends. I suspect she's doing 90% of your job, plus hers when she's in the office and then she comes here and takes care of you. I know she gets up every time you so much as twitch. She doesn't sleep well, she doesn't eat enough and she worries about you non stop."

The look of worry on Josh's face spoke volumes. 

"You care for her, don't you?"

He wants to tell his Mom exactly how much he cares for her and what that diamond around her neck means to him. It's a promise that Josh eventually intends to keep. But first he has to get healthy, and get through Bartlet's Presidency. Then he has to woo her. He has to pray she feels the same way. He has to convince her that this is the real thing. 

But he can't tell his Mom that right now. She's got a terrible poker face, and he doesn't want to get her hopes up in case Donna isn't interested in anything more than friendship. And given the signals he received from her a few nights ago he's fairly certain she's not. 

"She's my best friend, of course I care for her."

Ava gives him that look. The one that says she knows he's not being completely honest with her. "Joshua."

He glares back at her. He's not going to budge on this. "Mother."

They stare at each other for a moment, both of them equally hard headed. 

Finally, Ava narrows her eyes in a warning. "Find a way to make it work with the visiting nurses and give the poor girl a break! Do you want her to drop from exhaustion?!"

"No," he replies softly, the wheels already starting to spin in his mind. 

"Good." She announces, knowing Josh will do the right thing. Ava had never been afraid to place her son's ego in check, but she knows that he's a good man, just like his father. He will do the right thing. "Now, do you need anything else?"

"No," he admitted again, begrudgingly, feeling slightly ashamed about their conversation as a whole. 

"Okay. Put your shoes on and I'll drive you to physical therapy."

 

OoooooooO

"Hello, Donna."

"Ava." Donna shot up from her chair, immediately nervous. "What's wrong?"

She was already gathering her purse, fear growing in her eyes. 

"Donna calm down. He's at PT. I'm here to see Leo."

"Oh," Donna blushed at her overreaction. "Oh, alright." She sat her belongings back down and tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. 

"I just wanted to stop by and say hello." Ava glanced at the items on Donna's desk. "Do you think you could pick Joshua up from his appointment? I'm having dinner with the McGarrys."

"Of course. He's done at 5:30?"

"He is. And I'll be with Leo and Jenny for dinner this evening." She looked around a bit. "This is Joshua's office?" Ava wandered through the open door, looking around a bit. 

Donna smiled and followed her. "It is."

Ava walked in and looked around, finally putting eyes on the place where her son spent so much of his time. 

She smiled at the subtle similarities between his office and apartment. Overwhelming amounts of books and paperwork with a few sentimental items interspersed. But what really put the smile on Ava's face were the undeniable touches of Donna all around the office. Just like Josh's home, he surrounded himself with her. 

She looked at the photos around the room, smiling at the picture of Josh and his grandfather. "Those two were quite the pair," she told Donna. "Always up to something," she trailed off a bit, picking up the photo. "Joshua has always been a picky eater," she glanced at Donna who was listening intently with a look of soft adoration on her face. "He hated peas as a kid so he'd hide them under the sides of his plate. One night Noah had enough of his refusal to eat what I'd make and sent him to his room with no dessert. We eventually went to bed but heard some commotion downstairs later. Josh had convinced his grandfather to get up and make him a hot fudge sundae."

Donna gave a soft laugh. 

"Little Lyman babies have the tendency to be mischievous but they're pretty damn cute, too." She glanced at Donna out of the corner of her eye. "You'll see for yourself one day."

Donna froze, her eyes going wide. "Wh-what??"

"Do you want kids, Donna?"

She shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with a few items on his desk. "I do... But-"

Ava didn't want to push the topic, seeing how uncomfortable Donna was, but the blush on Donna's face was all the answer she needed. "Well I know you'll make a great mother," she stayed simply. "But I better be off to meet Leo."

Ava strolled out the door, leaving Donna in a stunned silence, a smile crawling across her face as she imagined a a tiny combination of herself and Josh. 

OoooooooO

He was exhausted. Cranky, frustrated and exhausted. 

They were staring to push him harder and harder at PT and he was so mentally worn down. Physical tasks that used to come so easily to him were now a struggle. He used to jog regularly and frequent the gym. Now he felt like he was going to collapse after a walk on the treadmill. And he knew he'd be sore tomorrow- he was always sore the next day. 

He wiped his face off and walked slowly out of the locker room, expecting his mother to be sitting in the waiting room. 

"Great workout today, Josh. I know it may not feel like it but you're making great progress." Dan the PT, clapped him on the shoulder as he strolled by. 

"Thanks," Josh muttered, still not feeling any better about his current situation. 

Donna watched him from the far corner of the waiting room. He looked like he'd just run a marathon- sweaty, disheveled and defeated. 

And she'd heard Dan's words. As much as he complained at home, Josh had been pushing himself. And he was downtrodden by what he perceived to be a failure. 

She didn't think twice. Donna stood and crossed the room, immediately wrapping her arms around him and just holding on. She rest her head against his chest and closed her eyes. Eventually she felt his arms go around her as well, kissing her ontop of her head. 

"You okay?" He asked softly. 

She nodded that she was. "Just proud of you," she gave him a final squeeze before letting go. "Come on. Your mom is out with Leo tonight so we're getting Chinese and watching a movie on the couch."

He laughed wholeheartedly, following her to the car. "You're a rebel without a cause, Donnatella Moss."

OooooooO

He yawned again, thoroughly exhausted but not wanting to move from his current spot on the couch. At some point during the movie she'd sprawled out from her position in the opposite corner and was lightly dozing with her head resting on a pillow in his lap. He honestly couldn't even remember what was on TV- he'd just been watching her sleep peacefully, lightly running his fingers over her hair. 

They were alone for the evening, his mother preoccupied with her own dinner plans. Rather than a movie and conversation while he lay in bed and his mother wandered by, they'd moved to the couch for a change of scenery. 

The honk of a passing car cut into the quiet apartment, waking Donna, who blinked several times, slowly taking in her surroundings before staring up at him with a content smile and snuggling back in. "You should go to bed," she told him, closing her eyes again and clearly not meaning it. 

"Oh yeah," he laughed softly at her unmoving position. He sat quietly for a minute before deciding they were both going to be in a world of hurt the next morning if they slept jumbled up on the couch. "Let's go to bed," he told her, attempting to softly rouse her. 

She stood, groggily, stretching her arms high above her head with a yawn. The shirt she'd pilfered from him rode up on her torso, separating from the tiny shorts she was wearing and showing a sliver of skin... and... he squinted a little before the realization dawned on him. 

Though Josh wasn't exactly in his peak performance shape, his reflexes didn't fail him at that moment. His right hand went to her waist, stilling her motion and capturing her attention immediately upon his contact. She looked at him curiously, and he met her gaze, studying her for any form of protest as his free hand moved to the elastic band tugging it down ever so slightly on the left side of her hip, exposing the tiniest heart shaped tattoo he'd ever seen. 

She watched for his reaction to the discovery, practically frozen at the sensation of his touch. 

He thought of that day- it seemed a lifetime ago now- and her words. "It's somewhere your lips have been," she'd whispered to him. Without thinking he leaned forward, his lips gently planting a soft kiss in the exact spot of the heart before his forehead leaned against her stomach. His arms wrapped around her, holding her close and it was only a second before he felt her hands in his curls. 

He closed his eyes, attempting to regain his composure. He reminded himself that he didn't have his full strength but God, he wishes he did. He wishes they were truly alone, not waiting for his mother to open the door any minute. He didn't want her to think this was out of convenience but that's probably how it would look, he decided. Or that it was purely physical, because to him, it was anything but that. 

He kissed her lightly once again before pulling away, letting his hands run down her sides before clearing his throat.

"We should, um, get some sleep." He needed to clear his head. He couldn't keep going like this.   
   
"Uh, yeah," she agreed halfheartedly.   
   
The somewhat awkwardly began their nightly ritual of pajamas and brushing their teeth, hearing Ava let herself in and pop in to speak with Josh.   
He didn't know what was happening here, or what he was going to do, but he knew he better figure it out    
TBC...  
   
XxxxxxX  
   
so, I think that posted with an incomplete story earlier. Sorry!!  
   
hope to have more for you this weekend :)


	8. Chapter 8

Donna locked her computer screen and grabbed her jacket. She was just going to take a quick walk to get some fresh air. 

If it was an emergency they'd call her- otherwise she was just taking a 20 minute break from emails. What could possibly happen in 20 minutes?

\--

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov  
To: West Wing- All

Subject: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

$200 to the first person who shows up at my apartment with today's copy of The Post and a well done #5 combo from Gettysburger. 

-JL

PS Don't tell Donna 

-

To: jlyman@whitehouse.gov  
From: sseaborn@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

Josh, 

Do you realize that you just sent that to Donna? She isn't going to be happy. 

I don't want anything to do with this. 

-Sam 

-  
To: sseaborn@whitehouse.gov  
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

No, I didn't. I blocked her address from the email. Now get the burger and get over here before she finds out. 

Victory will be mine!

-

To: West Wing- All  
From: tziegler@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

I'll take care of it. 

You're going to need to look over the polling statistics nobody will let me discuss with you in addition to the $200.

-

To: West Wing- All  
From: ccregg@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

You will do no such thing, Tobias. 

Don't cross the sisterhood. 

-

To: ccregg@whitehouse.gov  
From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

Et tu, CJ?

-

To: mhooper@whitehouse.gov  
From: lmcgarry@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

Go get my deputy a burger so these people will get back to work. We've got a country to run. 

And I'll take a #4 with onion rings. 

-

To: lmcgarry@whitehouse.gov  
From: mhooper@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

No. 

Donna specifically said he's on a heart healthy diet. 

You're having chicken salad. You put your order in this morning. What did I tell you about changing your order?

-

To: West Wing- All  
From: edandlarry@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

We've got it! Anything for a few minutes off. 

-

To: West Wing- All  
From: edandlarry@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested 

Sorry, Josh. She's walking back in the main gate. We're afraid of being spotted!

Mission Aborted! 

-

To: cyoung@whitehouse.gov  
From: potus@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

Charlie- 

Go get the poor man a burger and a copy of The Post. And try to be stealthy about it. 

Did you know that Americans eat nearly 50 billion burgers a year, which translates to three burgers a week for every single person in the United States. And that burgers account for 40 percent of all sandwiches sold. 

Take that, club sandwich.

-

To: potus@whitehouse.gov  
From:cyoung@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

With all due respect, sir, I'd rather not. That's a dangerous mission. 

But if you insist, I'd like my own Secret Service detail for when Donna finds out. 

-

To: West Wing- All  
From: dmoss@whitehouse.gov  
Subject: Re: Secret Project for DCOS- Urgent Response Requested

You will eat a salad and you will like it, Joshua Lyman!

I'll be over there in 15 minutes. 

\--

Josh sat back on the couch and smiled. She'd be there in 15 minutes. 

The absolute favorite part of his day.


	9. Chapter 9

“What are you doing home this early with midterms results still rolling in?”

She shrugged her shoulders and smirked. “It just didn’t feel like election day without you getting all worked up.”

Donna dropped her bags and picked up the phone, ordering carryout from the place down the street.

Josh watched with interest as she placed an enormous order.

“Hungry, Donnatella?” He was clearly amused. 

She shot him a glare. CJ, Toby and Sam are coming over to watch returns this evening. They’ll be here in 10 minutes.”

“Let’s sit outside,” Josh suggested. 

Donna scoffed. “It’s chilly out.”

“Come on, Donna,” Josh wined. “I’m not six years old. I just wanna go outside,” he rounded the corner, prepared to grovel. “I’m an outdoorsman, Donna.”

“I’ll make a deal with you,” she told him, tiding up the kitchen a bit. “You can go outside if you stop saying you’re an outdoorsman and you stop talking about Theoretical Physics.”

He pinched her side a little bit. “You like it when I talk about Theoretical Physics,” he grinned, teasing her. 

She giggled a bit. She did love it when he taught her random topics. It was kind of their thing. “Go put on the pajamas CJ gave you. She’ll like it if you’re wearing them.”

“They’re huge,” Josh complained, already moving towards his closet to do as she’d requested. “Can’t I put on real clothes for this? People are coming over, Donna!” 

“I’m not people?” She raised an eyebrow at him, just playing along. “Besides, you’ll be exhausted and this way you can go straight to bed.”

“I’m not sleeping in those pajamas, I’ll drown in them,” he muttered, shuffling into the bedroom to change as she’d asked him to.

He realized at that moment that they’d somehow become quite domestic. Their playful banter and evening routine around his house. They’d spend their evenings eating dinner and watching a little TV, talking about their days. It was all very cliché. 

And damn it, he liked it.

OoooooooO

“You’re cut off,” Donna told him, helping herself to a sip of his beer as she leaned against the railing on Josh’s stoop. 

“Donna…” Josh wined. “I’m a grown man!”

“Yes, but you have a very sensitive system, Joshua.” Donna took a deep breath to recount the various number of examples she had on hand to prove his inability to hold his liquor, but she didn’t need them. 

“She’s right you know,” Toby interjected from his other side. “You have the alcohol tolerance of a fifteen year old girl.” He grabbed another bottle for himself out of the pack beside him.

Josh put up a protest as she took another swig out of his beer. “Hey, if you’re going to cut me off at least let me finish my own beer.” He feigned offence. 

She turned the pout on him. “But we always share your beers,” she told him, cocking her head to give him the look. He was defenseless against that, and damn it she knew it. 

Josh grumbled a bit, not really having any basis for an actual protest.

The five friends sat outside for a few moments more, discussing the state of the country and their upcoming obstacles before Donna ushered them inside. “You can stay for another 30 minutes if you go in. It’s too cold out here.”

Though there would have, at any other time, been plenty of jokes about the overbearing wife or mother, none of them made a peep. She was doing what was best for Josh- something for which every single one of them was eternally grateful. They situated themselves around Josh’s living room, occupying all of the open seating. Donna claimed a spot on the floor, leaning back against the couch near Josh. 

As they all spoke she began to fade. She was exhausted most of the time now- the last months catching up with her. She must have nodded off, waking eventually with her head resting on Josh’s knee, his hands running softly over her hair. “Wake up,” he told her, her eyes fluttering open to the room full of her friends. “We’ll just be a few more minutes,” he whispered, “but you should head to bed.” 

Donna nodded her agreement, eager for a good night’s sleep. “Night, boys,” she told them. “Night, Ceej,” as she drug herself into Josh’s room, closing the door behind her.

“Want to explain yourself,” CJ asked. 

“What do you mean?” Josh was dumbfounded. 

“What do you mean, what does she mean?!” Toby straightened his tie. “What in the hell is that all about? You’re sleeping together?” 

Sam quietly looked on, observing his best friend’s answer.

“NOT that it’s any of your damn business, but it’s not what it looks like,” Josh barked. “She’s exhausted. I’ve been running her ragged- even though I haven’t meant to. She can’t exactly crash on the couch with all of us out here, so she can take my bed.” Okay, it wasn’t a complete lie. But he knew that he wouldn’t exactly be waking her up to head back to the couch later, either. 

“Josh, I’m your first call on this-“ CJ gave him a warning tone. 

“CJ, it’s not like that,” he was snippy. He was in no mood to go through this with them- especially when nothing was happening. “I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not exactly spending my days running laps around the block over her.” They all stare at him- odd expressions on their faces. He gives them a disgusted look. “I’m not faking injury to carry on some kind of affair with Donna. I can barely make it up the stairs most days. She sleeps where she can hear me. And if we’re up all night it’s because I’m sick and she’s decided not to sleep. It’s because she’s making sure I’m not in pain, and that I can breathe. This hasn’t exactly been a cake walk.” It came out with more venom than he’d anticipated, but he realized at that moment that none of them truly knew the depth of what had gone on since Rosslyn. What exactly she’d done for him- what she’d sacrificed and what she’d endured with a smile on her face just to make him feel a little bit better. Just to get him back on his feet.

The three senior staffers nodded their heads, mumbling their apologies to Josh. He was right- he was in no shape to do anything but sleep, and they shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Josh and Donna had always had an unconventional relationship- and though everyone was sure that there was more to it than friendship, they weren’t going to cast the first stones. She’d gone above and beyond, stepping up and taking over when someone needed to. And they all had to admit, they hadn’t exactly been in the thick of it where his care was concerned. They at least owed her the benefit of the doubt when it came to her reputation. Besides, Josh was a stand up guy and Donna was a respectable girl. They were sure a sordid affair following an assassination attempt wouldn’t be the type of thing either of them were involved in. 

Josh glanced at the clock- he was exhausted. “It’s 9:30. You guys better be going. I promise you don’t want to be here if she wakes up and we’re all up talking about work until the early hours.”

“Now that I believe,” Toby commenting, finishing his beer and standing up. 

“Two more weeks?” Sam posed the question as delicately as he could. 

“Yeah,” Josh nodded his head. “Ill be back to work in 2 weeks.”

CJ and Sam bid Josh goodnight and gathered their coats, heading for the door as Toby hung back a bit. He looked at Josh closely, and then glanced at the French doors to the room where Donna slept. He scratched his beard contemplatively before walking away. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

He locked the door behind his friends and quietly slipped into his bedroom, tucking the large comforter around Donna’s shoulders and making sure her alarm was set for the next morning before shuffling to the other side of the bed. He sat on the edge and took the handful of medication’s she’d organized and set out for him by a glass of water before groaning a bit as he lay down a respectable distance from the woman he loved from afar. And that night, just like every night in the past few weeks, he silently found her hand under the covers and held it in her sleep, wishing he was able to truly express to her and himself- all of the things that he felt. 

He wanted to be with her, but he wanted better for her. He wasn’t sure he could live without her, but he wasn’t sure she could live with him.

He liked their newfound domestication, but he longed to throw himself back into his work. He needed her personally, but he also needed her professionally and once again it didn’t seem like he could have both. 

The thoughts raced through his mind, and he found himself unable to really even settle on one long enough to think it through. He gave her hand a soft squeeze under the covers, not wanting to wake her but needing to tether himself to reality somehow. She was his anchor. To know that she was real- and that she was there. He was just starting to get control over his body again and now he was worried that he was slowly losing control over his thoughts. What was happening to him? And if he didn’t know what was going on inside of himself, then how was he supposed to take care of Donna? How was he supposed to keep her safe? At moments like this the thought always came crashing down on him- maybe she was better off without him.

The question was, could he survive it?


	10. Chapter 10

   
“Here’s your schedule. You’ve got senior staff in five.”   
   
He glanced up at her. “You told me in the car.”  
   
“I’m just trying get back into a routine,” she pouted.   
   
He stood and smirked at her, taking her coffee tumbler out of her hand and taking a sip.  
   
“I drank all of mine,” he wined, knowing that he was supposed to be limited to one cup.  
   
She followed him through the hallway, giving him a rundown of his various meetings. They’d given him a light schedule the first week. She rounded the corner, back in stride with him as he placed his hand on the small of her back.  
   
“And you’ve got an appointment with your cardiologist at 11:00.”  
   
“Kay,” he let out a breath. He was so sick of seeing doctors.   
   
“So, I’ll be ready to leave at 10:30 and we can have lunch after that.”  
   
“We?”  
   
“Well, I just assumed…” She’d gone to all of the prior appointments.   
   
He saw the look on her face. All he meant was that she didn’t have to take him. She’d run herself ragged over the last months taking care of him and he didn’t want her to have to do this, too. The previous night was her last at his apartment. Since he was able to return to work, they’d decided that would be the most obvious mark for her to move out. He hated it already. He didn’t want her to go. But he did want to draw a proverbial line in the sand- she was no longer his caregiver. He wanted so badly to assume their prior roles.   
   
“I’ll have him call you if anything concerning pops up.” Josh compromised.   
   
Donna thought about it a little bit. “Kay,” she finally agreed, wanting to give him some privacy. It couldn’t have been easy for him to have been so vulnerable in the last months. Donna turned to head back to her desk, knowing he’d be in with Leo and the President all morning. ”See you later.”  
   
“Have a good day, sweetheart,” he told her, his thumb rubbing against her back as his hand pulled away. The term of endearment had rolled easily off his tongue.  
   
He was all the way inside the Oval before he realized what he’d said.  
   
OoooooO  
   
"Josh Lyman's office."  
   
"This is Dr. Rosen."  
   
Donna grabbed a notepad, ready to jot down any important instructions.  
   
"Go ahead, doc." Josh says continuing to lean back in his chair.  
   
"So, Josh, I’m just following up on your questions from our appointment this morning. I wanted to let you know, your stress test and labs came back clear. You are free to resume normal activities at your discretion. And to follow up on your message earlier, yes, that does include sexual intercourse. Although I should warn you, at first your stamina might not be what it was before." Dr. Rosen chuckles a bit, knowing he's on speaker. "So take it easy on him for a few weeks, okay Donna?"  
   
Josh bolts upright and tries to grab the receiver but it's too late. He drops his head into his hands, not hearing anything else the doctor has to say. He hears Donna scribbling away on the notepad. If there's anything important she'll write it down.   
   
Eventually he heard her thank the Doctor but he still didn't move. Could this get any worse?  
   
After a few minutes of silence, Donna put something on his desk, ran her hands lightly over his shoulders and picked up her lunch and leaves the room. Once he's sure she's gone Josh lifts his head up. The piece of paper sat square in the middle on the top of the desk containing a messily scrawled list of everything the doctor said. There's a smiley face next to the word "sex." The post it on top of the page reads, "You'll always be a stud to me."

 

OooooooO

Josh tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable in his empty bed. 

She was gone. And while the rational part of his brain would tell him that he'd see her in the morning, that reasoning was currently being drown out by his insecurities. All he could think about was the fact that she was gone. Again. 

They'd agreed that she'd move out again when he was well enough to return to work, and in all honesty she'd probably outstayed necessity by a few weeks anyway.

She'd packed her belongings that morning as he sat helpless on the edge of the bed, trying to come up with something, anything, to say. But he couldn't formulate the words. 

Don't go. 

Stay. 

They weren't overly complex, they weren't poetic. They were, he decided, an act of desperation at this point. But still, he sat there quietly, in his suit pants and unbuttoned dress shirt, and watched her run around in a pencil skirt and camisole and bare feet placing a few items in a duffel as she chattered away about legislation to protect endangered waterfowl. 

When he'd climbed under the covers that night, he'd instinctively reached for her hand but was met with a cold, empty spot in the sheets. And that's when it really started. His mind was moving a little faster than it usually did, his breathing a little shallow than normal. He needed her to be there. He was a ship lost at sea and she had been his anchor. But now? Now he was drifting. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath, drawing himself back in. Josh finally blinked in the dark room, looking at the alarm clock on his bedside table. He had to get some sleep. This was crazy. 

He wonders if she's noticed how lately he wakes up with a startle in the night? But of course she does, because she's Donna and she notices everything. He vaguely remembered her thumb moving softly over his hand in reassurance the precious night as he lay still, waiting for his heart rate to go back down. She never said a word, he wasn't even sure if she'd opened her eyes. She'd just... known. 

He glanced around, spotting his oversized Mets tshirt that Donna had claimed for her own over the last months draped neatly over the chair in the corner. He wandered over, picking it up and carefully examining it, as though it held the answers to all of his questions. Bringing it to his face, he inhaled deeply. It smelled like lavender, vanilla and Donna. It was the most relaxed he'd been all night. Josh folded the shirt neatly and placed it next to his pillow, closing his eyes and wishing she was there, eventually drifting to sleep.

He knew it wasn't a permanent solution, but at least it might keep him close to shore for one more day. 

OoooooO

Donna pulled Josh's oversized sweatshirt on over her head. She was willing to try anything to feel a little bit closer to him. 

That morning played through her mind on repeat. She'd gathered her things as slowly as she could, trying to give him ample time to change his mind- to ask her to stay as she frantically tried to think of a reason herself. 

Physically, he was ready to return to work. Sure, he still had a little ways to go but he could manage the occasional doctor's appointment with his schedule as DCOS. 

Still, there was something else. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. He'd changed somehow. But she supposed that was to be expected. 

Over the last three months Donna had remained so caught up in what needed to be done at that very moment she hadn't let herself think about what was actually happening. 

But that first night alone, curled up in her big, empty bed, it was at the forefront of her thoughts. 

The shooting. The surgery. ICU. Weeks in the hospital. Recovering at home. The scars. The PT. Watching him struggle to breathe deeply. Watching him go stir crazy inside the house. The doctor's appointments. The medication. The fear. It was all too much. 

The tears began to slide down Donna's cheeks before she even began to think about the last few weeks. He may be physically recovering but Donna knew this wasn't the end. She could sense the storm clouds building on the horizon. 

She heard a light knock on the door and quickly tried to pull herself together. "Come in."

"Hey," CJ gave her a genuine smile. "Welcome home."

"Thanks," Donna sniffed. 

CJ's face immediately became concerned. "What's wrong?" She sat on the edge of Donna's bed. 

Donna shrugged her shoulders in the dark. "I don't know," she responded quietly nervously fiddling with the edge of her sheets. "It's just been... hard."

CJ sighed and lay back on the queen side bed. "Yeah."

The two sisters lay in silence for a few moments. "You know, I never said thank you," CJ announced. 

"For what?"

"For everything. For taking care of Josh. He's my friend, too. He's all of our friend- Sam, Toby, Charlie, Leo. And we all just let you wade in hip deep and knew you'd take care of him. We knew you were probably the only one who could. But I'm not sure that we took care of you," CJ admitted. "We just kind of left you to figure it out. And I don't think I ever thanked you."

Donna was silent for a moment. She'd never considered it that way. She'd never really thought about any of it. She'd just done it- because it was Josh. 

Both women felt the weight of the conversation fill the room, but neither knew exactly what to say. They had grown so close over the last years before the shooting, and now if felt like they had drifted apart. CJ was determined not to let anything drive a wedge between them again. 

After a few minutes of contemplation on both of their parts, CJ started a new conversation, just grabbing for the first thing that came to mind. "Do you remember when you were little and you'd sneak into my room after you were supposed to be asleep?"

 

Donna laughed softly. "Yeah. I'd drag my sticker books in there and you'd sit there and help me decide where to put them."

CJ smiled. "Yeah." The memory seemed like yesterday. A very young Donna would tiptoe down the hall to hang out with CJ, whom she idolized, and bring her sticker albums with her. She'd tell CJ about her day and oooh and ahhh over her big sisters cassettes and the posters on her wall. The ritual had contained well into their adult years, listening to each other ramble on about work, men and anything else, in person or over the phone. 

CJ rolled onto her side, missing at that moment, the frequent chats with her sister that would drag into the night and their minds off of their problems. "So... what's new with you?"

Donna, wishing she could truly spill her guts, knew it wasn't the right time. Something was off with Josh. There was something different in the air around them, like they were shifting back to where they once were. But Donna couldn't be sure. She wasn't sure that was even she wanted. 

But the last thing she wanted to do was to lie to CJ, so she deflected. "You go first," she prodded. "Lots of lonely nights in this apartment while I was gone? Or have you had any interesting men keeping you company?"

CJ laughed. "Oh. Donna. Have I got a story for you..."


	11. Chapter 11

Donna strolled through the corridor slowly, clutching a folder of briefing memos she'd typed up to her chest as she walked. 

Wandering past Leo's outer office, Sam's words caught her attention immediately, stopping her in her tracks. 

"This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now." Sam nervously glanced to Josh. "But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's dead right now."

Donna swallowed the bile creeping up in her throat. She'd avoided that reality for so long. But Sam had finally put words to her worst fears. If not for the miracle that had occurred 3 months prior, Josh could be dead right now. She fought the overwhelming urge to bury her face in his shirt and sob just thinking about it. She wanted him to hold her close. To reassure her that he was there- living and breathing. She'd missed the feeling of his arms around her so badly she actually ached. But she pulled herself back to the present. She had to get it together- for both of their sakes. 

She watched Josh closely, studying his movements. He'd reacted visibly to the conversation, trying to keep himself together as Sam spoke. She could see how uncomfortable he was as he listened to the very blunt description of what had happened to him, physically removing himself from Sam's argument, almost looking for an out. 

She didn't want to call any more attention to him, but she wasn't just going to let him stand there in silent distress either. She opened the folder she'd toted into Leo's office and walked towards him, her back to Sam and Ainsley. As she pretended to study the briefing memo in great detail she casually reached out with her free hand and hooked her pinky finger with his, never looking up. She wanted to reassure him without making him feel any more under the microscope. She hoped she could reach him.

It took him aback at first but after a moment his breathing was steadied again as he rest his head on the doorframe. She'd grounded him. 

OooooooooO

"Donna! Come here!"

"Did you hear me say, “don’t shout”?"

"No."

"You know why?"

"Cause you weren’t shouting."

"That’s right." She was confident she'd made her point.

"That’s right." He swaggered towards her, a victory smirk on his face. 

"What’s the problem?"

"They’re still saying that I owe them fifty thousand dollars and that failure to pay will result in a negative report on your credit.”

"On my credit?"

"On my credit. Why would it go on your credit?"

"Because I... you know, signed for things."

"You signed for things?" Josh furrowed his brow. "When? What things?"

"I don't know... just while you... couldn't." Donna shifted uncomfortably. 

This was the first he'd heard of this. "What did you sign?"

She was flustered just thinking about it. "Things. Whatever you needed. They said... they said I had to sign." Her lip quivered slightly. 

His eyes grew wide at her sudden emotion. It occurred to Josh in that moment that he really wasn't sure of many of the details surrounding the first days of his hospital stay. His face soured at the thought as he pushed any questions that he may have to the back of his mind. He wasn't ready to go there yet, for so many reasons. Unable to face his demons, Josh locked all of his feelings away and walked to his next meeting. 

Donna, who had barely kept it together, walked speedily in the opposite direction and directly into the ladies room where she locked herself inside of a stall and cried so hard she could barely breathe. 

 

After everything else- almost losing him physically and feeling like she's currently losing him mentally- on top of all that SHE might be responsible for $50,000. There is no way she could ever pay that, Donna thought, she's barely making ends meet now. 

And now she second guessed her decisions. Did she not read something carefully? Had she done something wrong? Was she the reason he was so stressed out about all of this? She felt like she'd let him down. She was just doing what she was instructed to do. 

Of course she'd signed, she sign again if it kept him alive, but what if someone comes to collect?

OooooooooO

"Don't eat my fries!"

The second he left the room, Donna reached over and grabbed his fries. Josh's fries were always her favorite part of a meal. She swore they tasted better. Not to mention the fact that he shouldn't be eating so poorly to begin with... 

Yes. She was doing him a favor, she smiled to herself, knowing he'd whine when he came back but secretly he loved that they could share something. They both clung to small moments like these. 

"Hey! I said DON'T eat my fries!" He walked right back into the room holding a fax. He had played her. Acted like he was leaving, knowing she'd immediately make a grab for them. And now she was caught red-handed.

He smirked at her waiting to see what she had to say for herself. She chewed and swallowed slowly while he just stood there. Hands on hips, tapping his foot expectantly.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'll give you half of my salad?"

He burst into laughter. And it was like the sun coming out after a long cold rain. Almost a good as the fries themselves.

OooooooooO

"Did you steal that dress?"

"I bought this dress."

"But you're returning it tomorrow."

"Yes, I am."

"That's stealing!"

"I'm giving it back." She was exhausted by this conversation but so relieved that they were getting back to normal. Whatever normal was for them. 

"After wearing it once."

"There's a word for this."

"It's "stealing"!"

Donna put on her coat and checked her watch. She had to get going. She couldn't stand here and argue with him all night. "I'm a girl on a budget, Josh. I'm being thrifty."

"And felonious. What are your plans?"

"You would like that, wouldn't you," she bantered back to him, causing raise his eyebrows at her. "Look..."

"What are your plans?"

She wanted to invite him. She wanted him to go with her. Sure, it was last minute but it was no big deal, right? They did things together all the time. She tried for confidence. "We're having drinks, we're having dinner, we are going dancing, we are having dessert."

"No problem. You can do all those things except for the drinks, the dancing, and the  
dessert."

"Josh..."

"I need you to be done with dinner in an hour and five minutes."

"It's not... I... it's not that kind of a night."

Her brother was receiving a humanitarian award for all of the charity work he'd done in the greater DC area over the last few years and she was attending a dinner in his honor. A fancy dinner, to which she'd originally intended to accompany CJ- before her sister had to go and run her mouth about Notre Dame. But now, for the last 24 hours since the change of plans, she'd been hoping that Josh would attend with her. 

It was no big deal, but she didn't want to go alone. And she did want to go with Josh. She wanted her brothers to meet him. She wanted him to know that whatever this was that had crept back up between them over the last few months, meant something to her. 

"I have an excellent sense about these things," she smiled at him. She wanted him. "Actually, I was hoping that-"

Josh cut her off before she could extend her invitation. 

"Actually, you have NO sense about these things! You have no vibe, you have terrible taste in men, and your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any small sense of self or self-worth that you may have."

Donna choked back her tears at his outburst, looking, once again to deflect. She was doing that a lot lately, but she supposed she had her answer now. "You're a downer, you know that? I'm calling you Deputy Downer from now on!"

Donna grabbed her purse and walked speedily out of the bull pen, turning her back to him before he could see the tears fall. She would liked to have told herself that Josh wasn't going to ruin her night, but he just had. 

She went through the motions that night. Plastering a fake smile on her face and shaking hands with countless strangers. She held her nieces and chatted casually with her sister in law, apologizing for CJs absence and her premature departure. She gave a veiled explanation as she slipped out the back, promising that they'd find time to get to Baltimore for a meal soon. 

And before she knew it she was back in the White House, letting Josh know she was ready to work- but the work never really came. She didn't quite know what to think of that. 

She was frustrated as she shut down her computer and tidied her desk. Not only had he rejected her- and done so in a hurtful way- she'd ruined her night for no reason. She'd all but given up when she heard his words as she was leaving. 

"You look good in that dress, Donna. You should buy it for yourself."

She smiled timidly at him. Maybe, in all of the darkness, was a little glimmer of hope.


	12. Chapter 12

"Donna!"

"I'm coming," she replied softly, popping up. 

"Donna! Get in here!"

"I said I'm coming!" She sped across the threshold to his office. He'd been on a rampage all week. 

"Yes?"

"Look at this." He pointed to a spot in the middle of the page of the memo he was reading. 

She leaned in closer to look. It said... pedeskrians? What's a pedesk- oh. Pedestrians. 

"It's a typo, Josh. I'm sorry."

She started to take the memo back from him. "I'll make the correction and print you another copy."

"Serious people are going to read this! I need it to be done correctly. Now, can you handle this or do I need to farm it out to someone on Toby's team?"

She blinked at him, taken aback by his rising levels of irritation. Though, she supposed, she should be. It had been something every day with him for the last week or two. 

"I can handle it," she told him somewhat softly, attempting to remain calm. 

"Are you sure? Because frankly, Donna, it's not that hard."

"Josh, I- it was a typo. A mistake."

He slammed the folder down on his desk. "I don't have time to be fixing your errors. I hired you to type, Donna! It's not rocket science. Just do it right the first time."

She blinked quickly, trying to convince the tears forming in her eyes not to fall. He continued to root around in his desk. 

"Well, why are you just standing there?!" He didn't even look up. "If you're not going to fix my damn memo then you can at least take a second attempt at picking up my correct lunch order. It would be a miracle if you did something right this week."

She couldn't hold it back anymore, standing stock still, unsure of what to do as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She squeezed them shut and tried to take a deep breath. He'd been yelling at her more frequently and with more fury lately but it had never escalated to this before. The tone he generally reserved for wayward Congressman had surfaced earlier that week but this- this was different. The venom in his voice went straight to her heart. What could she have done to deserve this?

His movement finally stilled as he caught a glimpse of her. He'd made her cry. It hit him like a bucket of cold water. 

"Donna?"

He was around his desk in a flash, closing the door to his office. He approached her cautiously, honestly afraid to startle her further. 

"Oh God. I'm sorry Donna, I don't know what's happening anymore. I didn't mean that." He softly touched her elbow and coaxed her to sit down in his visitors chair as knelt beside her. Josh sat quietly as Donna attempted to compose herself, wiping her eyes and sniffling a bit. 

Josh cleared his throat, resting his hand on her knee. "You stay here. I'll go to the mess and get you a bottle of water."

She bit her lip, staring at her hands in her lap, nodding almost imperceptibly. 

He stood, hovering over her a moment, trying to think of what to say. He wanted to tell her that she was intelligent and capable and beautiful but he just didn't have the words. He didn't have... any control lately. So he'd leave her alone for a moment. And perhaps he'd bring her a warm cup of cocoa, too. 

She was supposed to be pulling herself together but as soon as she heard the door close with Josh on the opposite side she dissolved into sobs. 

It had been getting worse all week. He kept apologizing for his actions, swinging an emotional 180 back into her Josh. But then the next day, it's something stupid again and he just keeps snapping at her.

OooooooO

Josh knew that Donna would catch him staring into space more and more frequently. He tried to hide it but nothing really escaped Donna. And though she joked that she was tuned to him, she was at a loss on this one. So was he. 

He thumbed through the personnel file she brought him for the third time that day. Robert Cano had seemed to be so perfectly healthy. Didn't anyone care why a 'perfectly healthy' pilot killed himself? The man seemed to have everything- career, health, family. What could have been so wrong? 

But something was unsettled inside of Josh. An offhand comment from earlier in the day. Someone had remarked that obviously Robert Cano wasn't perfectly healthy. 

And that's where Josh truly saw he resemblance. And it terrified him. 

No, it wasn't just the shared birthday. Everyone thought he was perfectly healthy, too. They went on with their busy lives all around him while he was screaming on the inside. Begging to be heard when no one would listen. Leo was on his latest crusade, CJ and Charlie worn their festive pranks, Toby obsessing about the damn music in the lobby, and Donna... Donna wouldn't shut the hell up about Yo Yo Ma. 

He wasn't suicidal like Robert Cano. He knew that much. But he'd been living under the guise that this couldn't get any worse for weeks, and the list of things he knew for sure seemed to get shorter every day. And sitting in the dark, quiet office at the end of the another marathon day, the file in front of him seemed to be mocking Josh. The message was loud and clear to him, even if nobody else saw it. 

It could get worse. It could get a lot worse. 

He just didn't know how to stop it. 

OooooooO

Donna sat at her desk, punching the number into the telephone for the fourth consecutive time. "Pick up, pick up, pick up," she muttered a desperate plea. 

She could hear Josh banging around in his office. It sounded like he was slamming drawers and closing books haphazardly. 

"DONNA! I said I wanted Congressman Fields on the phone 10 minutes ago!"

"I know, I'm trying."

"Well obviously you're not trying very hard or HE'D BE ON THE PHONE!" Josh no longer had the strength to be subtle. 

She said nothing in return, instead scanning the room for anyone who'd taken particular notice of the Deputy Chief of Staff's outburst. Fortunately, Donna thought, most of them are at lunch. 

"Nevermind. I'll just walk up to The Hill." He grabbed his jacket as be passed by the coat rack, nearly knocking it down in the process as he barreled past Donna. "If I can't count on you I'll just have to do it myself."

Donna stood quickly. She'd become used to his mood swings the last few weeks, but she'd made it her job to contain them while she figured all of this out. She'd just taken it. If she stood in front of the fire maybe she could keep it contained until she figured out what to do. But this can't get out. There would be people who wouldn't understand. It's the only thing she can think of to protect him. 

So that being said, she couldn't let him storm to the hill in a blind rage. That wouldn't end well for Senator Fields, Josh, or this administration. 

"Wait," she called our, beginning to chase him to the lobby. "Josh, please. Wait."

He stopped walking and whipped around to face her, his jaw firmly set. "What?"

She was, once again, startled by his anger. 

He caught a glimpse of fear flicker through her eyes and when he realized that he'd caused it it almost broke what was left of him. 

Perhaps hurting her was subconsciously the way he was trying to protect her from himself, but he hated the thought of that. 

He'd had moments where he'd realized he'd hurt her and he's sorry for it. He just doesn't know what's happening to him or how to stop it. And she was always the property. Whatever happened to him, so be it, but he wouldn't let Donna get caught up in this mess. 

"I- I just- I don't think he's in his office. Come back for a minute and I'll keep trying," she nodded towards his office, hoping he'd follow her back into the bullpen. It was a flimsy excuse but it was all she had. 

He grunted, somewhat disapprovingly, and stalked back into his office. "Just tell everyone to keep it down! I can't hear myself think over these damn sirens," he barked at her, slamming the door. 

She let out a heavy sigh. It wasn't ideal, but she was doing the best that she could for him. 

Wait. Did he just say sirens?


	13. Chapter 13

Donna lay in the dark silence, staring at the blank white paint on her ceiling. She was completely at a loss. Her body would occasionally omit a small sob, but she had long ago run out of tears. Her mind wept, but her body was unable to cry. The nights, cold and desolate, seemed endless.

She'd listen to the ticking of the second hand on the clock occupying her bedside table, seemingly mocking her in an otherwise silent home. It clicked on endlessly, informing her that another minute had passed. A noisy reminder that she was forever losing time.

She wished she could absorb his pain but he pushed her away a little more each day, shielding himself from any forms of affection. The softness, the warmth, that she'd come to associate with him was fading away, eroded by what she could only summarize as despair. Fear and anger walled him off from her, building an impenetrable fortress brick by brick.

He was physically there each day, in his office, typing feverishly at his keyboard, but he just wasn't… there. Everything was different. He didn't share the small moments of his day, he didn't revel in his victories. He didn't even bellow. That, Donna thought, is what disturbed her the most.

Josh had always been the textbook definition of perpetual motion. His body and his mind both worked around the clock at a breakneck speed. But not anymore. He was so still. It was the still, she decided, that truly haunted her. He sat quietly through meetings, not even fidgeting. He'd answer questions only when absolutely necessary. He'd stare blankly out his window, barely blinking, for God knows how long. She'd try to banter, to ease his mind, but she was met only with biting remarks. The first one stung, but she was somewhat numb now, allowing him to say what he needed and taking none of it to heart. That wasn't her Josh. Something was… off.

She prayed for a change every night, feeling more and more out of control with every passing morning's disappointment. She'd linger in his doorway for a moment before she left, hoping he'd say something- anything- that would let her in. But he never did.

The feather light touch of his hand on the small of her back as he walked with her was now gone, replaced by the angry roar of an bitter soul. She always stood her ground with him, never fleeing, no matter the circumstance. She'd promised him that she wouldn't leave him and come hell or high water she'd stand her ground. She'd take anything that came her way if it meant he knew he wasn't alone.

She'd put on a brave face, acting as though she was ready for battle at any given point, never phased by what he threw her way. But the truth was she'd never been more terrified in her life. She spent every hour in fear. Fear that something in their delicate balance would tip. That the hope she was clinging to would shatter. That she'd lose him- a part of him- forever.

Though this new darkness surrounding him was all encompassing, it had managed to creep up on Donna. She should have seen it coming, she scolded herself. She should have done something before now. But she hadn't. She had a million excuses, but none of them mattered. All that mattered was Josh. Every moment she lay there without a solution he'd drift farther into the darkness. She tried, with everything she had, to get through to him but it wasn't enough. She knew, in her heart, she couldn't fix this for him.

She swallowed hard, knowing she would do what she needed to. She had to- to protect him.

But she also knew there would be repercussions. He'd see it as a betrayal. She risked losing him forever. But Donna knew it was worth it. She'd brokered the deal with God months before, hoping she wouldn't have to make good on it. She'd give him up if it would save him.

She'd loved him from the beginning, there was no question about that. Donna sat up, quickly dressing and making the phone call that would seal their fate, for better or for worse- but there was no going back now. She should have known from that first moment that she'd end up broken hearted.


	14. Chapter 14

Josh muttered a few choice words under his breath as he tugged at his bow tie. He’d been able to tie his own since high school, but after years of secretly indulging in allowing Donna to be that close for the task he’d lost his skill. There was nothing more than a wadded mess hanging around his neck. 

He wasn’t amused with her today. He’d pulled quite a few strings to get her a ticket to the concert tonight- nobody else was bringing their assistant, that was for sure. And though he knew in his heart Donna wasn’t just his assistant, that’s who she was to him on paper. Yes, in the grand scheme of things of course he knew she deserved more than a ticket to a cello concert, but he didn’t have the time or energy to go down that path right now.

Besides, she’d betrayed him. 

She’d spent the better part of the morning talking to some guy from ATVA when she should have been helping him in the office. God only knows what she told him.

“DONNA!” 

She appeared in his doorway, a vision in an ice blue formal dress. Even in his current state he noticed immediately how beautiful she looked, though the thought of greeting her with a smile and a soft kiss stayed somewhere in the far reaches of his mind.

“Tie,” he practically barked. He remained stone faced, looking at something else across the room as her fingers found their familiar rhythm. He could smell her lavender shampoo her and occasionally feel her soft hands brush against his chin, but he blocked that out too, though her presence perhaps calmed him for a moment, even if he fought it.

Donna studied him closely, frightened at what she saw. He, frankly, looked like hell. He’d always be handsome to her, of course, but it was clear that he hasn’t been sleeping. He was worked up, wound tighter than she’d ever seen him, with dark circles under his wild eyes. His hair was unkempt and even for that night’s formal event he was looking somewhat unshaven. She smoothed his lapels once she was done, unsure of what else to do to break through to him. She was desperate to remain close to him, so she lingered for a moment. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair. To give him a soft kiss. To ask him to talk to her. But she knew better than that. She knew he wouldn’t- not now. Not anymore. And she knew that they were long past the stage where Donna could fix any of this on her own.

“You’re going to be late.” He didn’t mutter a thank you when she finished, walking off towards the concert and finding a seat away from her. He just wanted to be done with this entire night and away from all of these people. 

He’d timed it so that most guests had taken their places when he’d arrived, avoiding any unnecessary chit chat all evening. He’d found an empty seat, sitting intentionally away from Donna. He still couldn’t believe she’d spoken to the ATVA representative. And for over an hour, at that. Toby, Sam and CJ had been required to as well, but they were in and out in 15 minutes. What could she have possibly had to say that had taken so long? He could have dissected that answer for hours but the music began and Josh’s focus shifted once again.

But it was only moments after the bow touched the strings that Josh became anxious. And with every note the mayhem inside his head increased. He shifted in his seat. He couldn’t make it stop. Josh winced as if in pain. It felt so real. He heard the sirens and saw the flashing lights, he tasted the adrenaline and remembered the doctors and the ambulance. He couldn’t make it stop.

The beads of sweat popped out on his forehead. He had to get the hell out of there. And now. 

He stood and left, not caring about protocol or where he was at the moment, just needing to go before anyone saw him.

But Toby saw him. Terrified for his brother. 

And Leo saw him. He ached for his son.

And of course, Donna saw it. 

It was only a fraction of a second before she politely excused herself and made her way out the door behind him. She couldn’t keep up with him in her heels and he already had a head start on her. She heard the door to his office slam as she rounded the corner into the bullpen.

Josh leaned his hands up on either side of the window in his office, staring into the dark December night, his eyes frantically scanning the view beyond the cold window panes as his intake of air came in short, shallow spurts. He was just going to catch his breath for a moment. Get his hands to stop shaking. Then he’d gather his things and get into a cab and go home. He had to get out of here before everyone left the concert. He had to go. NOW.

Josh heard a soft knock on the door, followed immediately but the squeak of the hinges and the latch of the knob locking again.

“Go away, Donna,” he growled, not even having to turn around to know who’d entered his office. Even now he could sense her presence. 

But she held her ground.

Rubbing his eyes furiously, Josh began pacing in front of his desk. He was frantic. He was spinning out of control and he knew it. He felt as if his world was crashing around him.

He was reliving it, squeezing his eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose to try and fend it off. But he couldn’t make it stop. 

She approached him tentatively. She’d never seen him like this before. Donna tugged on one end of his bowtie, letting it fall around his neck and quickly undid the top buttons on his shirt. 

He rolled his shoulders a bit, almost shrugging her off. She paused briefly, trying to figure out where to go from here. 

He needed an escape. He needed to feel something. Anything. 

The next thing she knew he was sliding his arms around her waist and kissing her. He wasn’t soft or tentative, but rather desperate and needy, deepening the kiss as though he was searching for something. 

And she wanted him to find whatever he was searching for. She’d waited for this moment for years. She was searching too. Trying to find him so she could lead him back home.

She’d give him anything he asked for. If needed to get lost in her, she’d let him. She began to sink into him, letting her hand find his cheek, allowing herself to fell secure in his arms, where she’d wanted to be for years, when something clicked inside Josh. It was almost as though he finally started to realize what was happening. 

And just as quickly as it began, Josh broke away, stepping back from Donna and pushing her away.

“Oh God,” he muttered, still reeling from what had just happened. He could barely hear himself think over the increasing volume of the sirens. “That was- that was a mistake,” he scrubbed his hands over his face. 

Donna stood, mouth agape, and stared at him, suddenly shaky on her own two feet. What was happening? 

“Josh?” 

Her eyes pleaded with his. Pleaded not to throw this away. Pleaded for him to open up to her. Pleaded for him to say he didn’t mean it. Pleaded for everything to just be alright again. 

She took a tentative step towards him, but he held his arms up, trying to keep her away.

“This is NEVER going to work. I’ve got to get away from you. I’ve got to get away from here.” Without saying a word he grabbed his overcoat, sending the coat rack rocking as he flew by, slamming the door to his office and racing out of the West Wing.

Donna couldn’t hold it back anymore, melting immediately into a pile of anguish. She wasn’t sure how long she sat on the floor in Josh’s office- she was beyond distraught. She’d hoped she could reach him- she wanted to reach him- but she hadn’t prepared herself for the reality that he might not want her to. She was grief stricken at the loss of him, locking herself in his office once she was able to get her bearings about her. She didn’t want to deal with anyone that night. She cried in his chair for what probably amounted to hours, until she composed herself enough to get home, where she was physically ill on two occasions just thinking about what her life would be after he pushed her away.

Josh frantically went through the motions of getting in a cab at the front gate and heading home- he was running on muscle memory. 

What had he just done? He’d fucked it all up, that’s what. 

He scrubbed his hands over his face. He had to make it stop. When the cab pulled up in front of his brownstone he handed a wad of bills to the driver and stumbled up the steps, barely even taking the time to shut the door before pouring himself a large glass of scotch. 

It was either her or the sirens. But he had to be able to drink one of them away. He had to.

He sat on the couch and took a long pull straight from the bottle, resting his head in his hands as his knee jigged nervously. He stood quickly and began to pace again, nervous energy coursing through his veins. God, what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he make it all stop? What had he done? 

He looked around his apartment, which he barely recognized anymore. It was a disaster. But everywhere he looked there were small sprinkles of her. The sweatshirt she wore while she stayed with him and when they worked late nights thrown over the chair in his bedroom. Her distinctive penmanship scrawling out the numbers he frequently needed on a note by his phone. The flavored waters she drank were in his fridge. Even the scarf intertwined in the lapels of his overcoat was a gift from her last winter. 

“Just because,” she’d told him on an otherwise insignificant but chilly morning as he was leaving for The Hill. “It’ll keep you warm. Besides, it brings out your eyes.”

And, even if he’d missed the hundreds of other pieces of her mixed easily into his life, he couldn’t miss the items on his bookshelf. The painting he’d purchased during their last full day on the island, leaning next to a photo of her dancing with him at inauguration. He stared at it, brow furrowed, unblinking. And he knew that if he reached his hand into the jacket of his tuxedo that damn worry stone would be there, too. It was practically burning a hole in his pocket. He just couldn’t get away from her. He knew he should never have left that island without her, and when he was given a second and third chance he threw those away, too. 

But she wasn’t his biggest problem that night. His pulse was still racing. His heart pounding. He couldn’t make it stop. 

And at some point he heard the shatter of glass and a few moments later the pounding on the door from the superintendent. He was stunned, unable to bring himself to answer, as he noticed for the first time the blood on his hand.


	15. Chapter 15

“Can I get you some coffee?" Donna had just shown Stanley to the reserved room for his session with Josh, prattling on nervously for the entire duration of their walk through the hallways. Now that they had reached their destination Donna seemed to be stalling, hesitant to leave as though she was worried for what was to come. Stanley watched her closely. She was nothing short of jumpy. 

Donna looked around the room somewhat forlornly, fidgeting nervously and clearly holding back a flood of emotions. 

"He’s going to tell you he doesn’t want any coffee, but he’s going to want some," she continued to ramble. "He’s a coffee drinker. Don’t let him have any. It’s bad for his heart. Maybe some tea? Tea would be okay if it's decaf."   
   
“Coffee would be great," Stanley cut her off, realizing he otherwise wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise. "And maybe a couple bottles of water?”  
   
She nodded her head in understanding.  
   
“Thanks, Donna,” Stanley kept an even tone, shuffling through his paperwork.  He wasn’t sure what to expect with his next patient but he’d been painted a pretty vivid picture by the prior day’s pre-sessions with Josh’s friends. They’d been fairly consistent in their descriptions- all painting Lyman as a loud, cocky, lovable egomaniac.  All except for Donna. She’d given the polar opposite description of a complex man, gentle and loving with the capacity to feel things very deeply.  
   
There was something different about Donna’s answers to Stanley’s questions, but he couldn’t quite place the distinct dynamic between Josh and his assistant. The others had commented casually on Josh and Donna- the overarching implication being that she took care of him in many ways, and he did the same for her, in the grand scheme of things. They’d all made it clear though- Josh and Donna were just friends.  
   
Stanley sat down in his chair, waiting for his appointment. No matter what the afternoon would bring, there seemed to be a lot of issues at play.  
   
OoooooO  
   
"You're in 9 kinds of pain. You don’t know whats going on inside of you. You are so locked into damage control..."  
   
He wanted to deny it. He wanted to deny it all so badly. But he couldn’t.

Josh remained defensive. This whole scenario rubbed him wrong. 

"You spoke to my friends and Donna," Josh remarked, knowing that Stanley likely already had the answers to the questions he was currently asking. 

"I did," Stanley nodded once, staring at the man across the table. "Is Donna not your friend?"

Josh looked up. "What?"

"You said your friends and Donna. Is Donna not your friend?"

Josh was suddenly flustered again. "That's not what I meant. I- She's my assistant."

"Okay." Stanley remained even keeled but he could tell he'd struck a nerve. He sat stone faced and waited. He'd been warned about this the prior day. 

"This is all incredibly prosecutorial, and frankly I don't appreciate your tone." Just like that, something ignited inside Josh. He narrowed his gaze and set his jaw. Stanley could tell he was ready for a fight. "I'm not fucking my secretary."

"It's none of my business."

"I thought all of this," Josh gestured wildly around the room, "was your business!"

"So then why don't you tell me about it?"

"I JUST DID! I'm not fucking her."

"I didn't assume you were. I just asked if you considered Donna a friend. You're the one who put her in a different category than the others."

"If you're trying to get me worked up to prove a point you're going to have to try harder than that. I've heard it all before. Say what you want about me, but leave her out of this." Josh sat back in the chair and crossed his arms. 

"I assure you, Josh, I'm not assuming anything about Donna. She's very nice and she's been nothing but professional since I arrived."

"It's just that a lot of people, you know, assume things," Josh continued, taking on a more reserved tone. 

"About you and Donna?" 

"Yeah."

"Why's that?" Stanley was willing to see where this was headed. It could have its merits, he supposed. 

Josh stared off at a distant point, clearly occupying a completely different headspace than he had been all morning. Interesting.

"Because that's how the game is played. you find someone's weakest point and you push until you get a result. There's nobody in this town that's better at it than I am. And everyone knows there's only one way to beat me..." 

Josh's gaze flicked back to meet Stanley's. 

Stanley waited to see if he'd acknowledge that she was his weak point.

"Anyway, like I said. I'm not..." he paused for a moment, his voice softening as he almost bristled at his own terminology. "...fucking my secretary." But this time he said it without the hard edge. It was more like a regret.  
   
OoooooO  
   
Donna turned her key in Josh’s lock, cautiously opening the door to his apartment. She’d been assured he’d be with Stanley for a few more hours so she slipped out for a few moments, making sure Leo knew to call her cell if anything came up.   
   
She was afraid of what she was about to find. She knew, deep inside, that something had happened to him last night. His story just didn’t jive with her. But she didn’t dare push him this morning. They were on shaky ground to say the least.   
   
He’d made it abundantly clear that he wanted to keep his distance from her the night prior, and Donna couldn’t even pretend like that wasn’t killing her on the inside. But like it or not, she had to do this. Someone needed to take care of things right now, and that someone was going to be her. She just hoped she wasn't violating his trust.   
   
Closing the door behind her she immediately saw the broken window, the frigid December air blowing in to his messy apartment. Had he slept here last night? She leaned against the front door for a moment. She wished she could reach him. She wished she could take his pain away.   
   
But she couldn’t. She didn’t know how.  
   
So she did what she did know how to do. She called the super, arranging for a window to be installed on a rush, and then got to work. She tidied up, swept up the glass shards and took out the garbage. She carefully dabbed club soda to remove the small drops of blood staining his sofa and washed traces away from the sheets where he’d clearly had a restless night. She didn’t want him to have to encounter any of this again.  She picked up the discarded bandages in his bathroom and double checked to make sure he had antibiotic cream for later in the week when he’d need it.   
   
She’d make sure a doctor looked at the injury as soon as possible though. She flipped open her cell phone and called all of the local urgent care locations, checking their holiday hours. There was no way she was going to drag him back to GW if she didn’t absolutely have to. Grabbing a few necessary items for him and stuffing them into a small duffel bag, Donna tipped the super and whished him a Merry Christmas and was back out the door for the White House. She didn’t want to be gone any longer than strictly necessary. 

OoooooO

Josh was somewhat overwhelmed. Stanley told him they weren't sure if he was fully conscious during his rant in the Oval. And though Josh wouldn't admit it out loud, that wasn't the only time that week he'd emotionally blacked out. And the President wasn't the only one he needed to make things right with. 

Stanley had diagnosed him quickly, and it was the last thing that Josh wanted to hear. 

"That doesn't sound like the type of thing they let you have when you work in the White House." 

He knew deep down that Stanley's diagnose as accurate, but still he attempted to play it off. His mind was already moving to the worst case scenario. What if they really wouldn't let him continue to have this kind of access to the President? Would he lose everything?  
   
His reputation?  
   
His job?  
   
His friends?  
   
His Donna?  
   
OoooooO  
   
"I'll go get his coat," Donna offered, leaving Leo to have a few moments alone with Josh. 

"Donna?" Leo called when she'd taken a few steps. 

She turned to look at him, waiting to see what he needed. 

He spoke somberly. "You're a good girl, Donna." 

High praise from Leo McGarry. Donna gave him a sad, small smile. "He would have done the same for me."

Leo met her gaze, taking on a more serious tone. "Yes. He would have."

Donna returned a few moments later with Josh's coat and gently lead him out the door. It required every ounce of everything Josh had just to try and hold it together and stay upright in the lobby as they walked towards the street.   
   
Leo looked on and knew he was going to be okay. And if he ever faltered, she’d be there to catch him.   
   
OoooooO  
   
She silently hailed a cab, opening the door and sliding in next to him. 

They'd barely spoken since they'd left the White House. There was no need. Josh had done nothing but talk all day and frankly Donna just couldn't find the words at the moment. So she did what she knew how to do: she sat supportively beside him as the physician stitched up his hand and reassured him that he wasn't alone in this. In any of this.   
   
She gave the driver her address and Josh didn’t protest.  Donna politely asked the cabby to turn the radio off and they rode silently as he stared out the window at the passing street lights. She gently took his arm when they arrived at the destination, walking up the steps with him.   
   
“I should just go home,” he told her, as though he just realized that’s not where he was headed.  
   
“We’ll stay here tonight,” she told him, unlocking the door and leading him in, leaving no room for protest. It was close to 2 in the morning by the time the physician had finished stitching his hand, and she knew he was exhausted- she was too. “I packed a bag for you. It’s in my room.” She locked up the apartment and followed him down the hall, pulling a pair of warm flannel pajama pants out of her drawer before quickly changing and splashing a little water on her face. It had been an emotionally draining day for josh, too  
   
When she returned he was already under the covers, his palms pressed into his eyes as though he was trying to process they day he’d just had.   
   
She switched off the light and crawled under the comforter with him, scooting close to him immediately. Josh rolled onto his side and looked at her, Donna facing him in the dark, her tired faced illuminated by the stray beams from the streetlight seeping through the curtains. He didn’t know where to begin. Honestly, he was a little surprised that she even wanted to be this close to him right now.  
   
“Later,” she whispered, as though she could read his mind. Donna took his bandaged palm and brought it to her lips, kissing it softly, before intertwining their fingers and pulling them to her chest.   
   
Josh stared intently at their clasp hands. He wanted so many things, but here they were- back to their intricate dance.   
   
But after the kiss, the broken window and a full day of therapy, Josh didn’t care about their invisible boundaries. He just needed her. He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her and holding on tight, lightly kissing the top of her hair.   
   
And though he was afraid that her first response may be to flee, and he couldn’t blame her for that, it only took a second before the tension was seeping out of Donna. She settled her head onto his chest and closed her eyes. 

For the first time in the better part of several months they would both sleep through the night.


	16. Chapter 16

"I'll get it!" 

CJ threw the door open with a wide smile, catching Josh a little bit off guard. "So good to see you, mi amor!" She pulled him into an earnest hug before stepping aside and closing the door behind him. She couldn't believe the difference that a week could make- he was practically a new person. He'd been sleeping, for one thing. She pulled back and gave him a sincere smile while she looked him over, Josh immediately squirming under the attention. He really didn't want to get into all of this tonight. 

CJ pulled him into another hug, squeezing him a little tighter this time. "We love you, Josh. All of us. If you ever need anything just say the word, okay?"

"Thanks, Ceej," he muttered sincerely, touched by her sentiment and the friendship that had built between the two over the years. 

"Is that Josh or the carry out?" Sam rounded the corner, practically bumping into CJ, followed by Donna. 

"Oh, hey buddy." Sam was always cheery.

Donna just smiled at him. He swore it lit up the whole room. 

"What's for dinner?" Josh wasn't sure where to start with them, so he opted for deflection. He hadn't seen his friends since Christmas Eve, but he wasn't exactly up for a long winded discussion. He was sure they could probably piece together what had happened. Even still, he was glad he no longer had the large gauze wrap on his hand, swapping it out for a smaller adhesive bandages that morning. He was healing, inside and out. 

"Junk food of every variety. New Years Eve tradition," Donna announced, pulling him towards the large display of food. "We even have soft pretzels and beer cheese."

"I'm not the one from Wisconsin, Donnatella," he teased. "You don't have to lure me over here with liquid cheese dips."

"But beer cheese is your favorite," she turned on the pout. 

"Yeah," he grinned widely, "it is." And she knew it. 

"Happy New Year, man," Charlie walked out of the kitchen with a beer, clapping Josh softly on the back. "Now that you're here, let's get the game started."

The group made their way to the dining table to join Toby who was already setting up for their poker game. The conversation flowed naturally as they all caught up on what had been going on in the White House over the short break. 

They played for a few hours, laughing more than gambling, until CJ herded everyone into the living room, bringing them all another round and excitedly announcing that it was time for the gift exchange. They'd delayed their planned Christmas festivities until the New Year's Eve party. It was, they all figured, a new year and a fresh start. 

"Okay, who wants to go first?" CJ scanned the room excitedly but was met with a lack of enthusiasm. "Toby!" CJ picked the least likely volunteer and then consulted a small list. "Lets see... Josh had Toby," she announced. 

Josh flushed. In the midst of everything that had happened over the last months he'd completely forgotten about the holidays. He had nothing for Toby. "Oh, I, uh...."

"Here it is!" CJ announced gleefully, interrupting Josh as she pulled a neatly wrapped box from under her tree. 

Josh was only stumped for a moment before he realized what had happened. Once again she'd handled it for him. He mouthed a silent 'thank you' to Donna as Toby opened his gift and CJ continued down the list of names, distributing the gifts under her tree. 

"...aaand I had Josh." CJ presented him with a neatly wrapped box and an envelope. 

Josh opened the envelope stuck to the front of the package, finding a funny card with a snowman on it and two tickets to a Mets game when they played the Nationals that summer. 

Donna didn't seem to be too surprised and given the fact that the selected game was during the congressional recess, he assumed she'd given some input before the tickets were selected. "Thanks. This is.. they're really great." 

"Open the box," Donna encouraged him. "I wanna see what's in it. She wouldn't tell me," Donna added with a pout, amusing Josh to no end. CJ bit her lip, an amused grin beginning to cross her face. 

He tore the paper off and carefully lifted the lid. Josh and Donna both stared at the contents quietly. 

"I hate you," Donna finally stated. "Like, I actually hate you."

"You don't hate me," CJ teased her. 

"Ceeeej. Whyyy?" Donna's shoulder slumped as she wined. 

Josh grinned from ear to ear. 

"Well, because it's hilarious," CJ pointed out. 

All of the sudden Josh let out a laugh. A full bodied, genuine laugh. It was music to Donna's ears- she hadn't heard him laugh in weeks. 

"Oh, Donnatella," Josh smirked. "You are adorable."

The others crowded around the box which contained a framed photo of a seventh grade Donna- awkward and smiley with huge hair and generously applied blue eyeshadow. 

"Wow," Charlie remarked plainly. 

Toby cleared his throat. "That's got to be embarrassing."

Sam wore a look of confusion. "Did you have that framed?"

"Nah," CJ explained. "Took it right off the wall from our parents house last week when I was home for Christmas."

That made Donna laugh as the others made their way back to the poker table, Josh still sitting on the couch, smiling at the photo. Though it was a less than flattering photograph, Donna was over the moon that Josh was getting back to himself. She made a mental reminder to thank CJ for doing something like that for him.

She tidied up a bit, heading back over to Josh. "Give me that," she told him, reaching for the photo. 

"Hey, its mine now," he teased. 

She rolled her eyes, taking the photo. "You've had your fun Lyman. Now we have to send it back to my mother before she has kittens when she figures out it's missing."

"Fine," he faked insult. "But now that I've seen it I can't just... un-see it. Anytime I want to have a good chuckle I'll just think about it," he smirked. 

She leaned over behind him, her lips close to his ear. "Oh Joshua, I think we both know that when you close your eyes and visualize me, that's not what you are going to see."

Josh's jaw dropped as Donna sauntered back towards the party. 

"Come on," Toby barked from the next room. "Are you in on this hand or not?

...

The six friends stood on CJs balcony and counted down together. 

"5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Fireworks exploded over the mall as cheers erupted from the neighbors. 

Toby grabbed CJ and planted a friendly New Years minute kiss on her while Josh looked longingly at Donna, who stood on the other side of Charlie. Before he could make a move Sam stepped in and pulled Donna into a hug, kissing her animatedly on the cheek and causing her to grin and giggle. Josh was so jealous. He wanted to make her smile. 

Sam moved to pop a bottle of champagne and Donna turned her attention quickly to Josh. 

She paused in front of him as though she wasn't sure where to begin. But rather than say something that wouldn't even begin to cover what had been going through her mind since that fateful day in August, she decided to take another route. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms round his neck, hugging him tightly. "Happy New Year, Joshua."

Josh pulled her close and buried his face in her neck. He'd been hesitant to get too close to her since he'd kissed her. He'd made a colossal mess of things- which were already complicated to begin with- and he wasn't sure how to begin to fix it. "Happy New Year, Donnatella."

The simple greeting spoke volumes. They stayed in each other's embrace for a moment longer than friends would, but the onlookers didn't say a word. After the storm those two had weathered together the very least they deserved was a happy new year.


	17. Chapter 17

It had been raining for a week in DC. The weather was hovering just above freezing, coating the city in a miserable mix of sleet. No one could remember the last time they’d seen the sun.  
   
Josh had been sitting in his car at the end of Donna’s block for the better part of an hour. His forehead rest on the steering wheel as his mind raced.  He just couldn’t work up the nerve to get out. He didn’t know where to begin. He’d purchased a bouquet of daisies on the way over, hoping that would at least bring a smile to her face. But now, 50 minutes later, the gesture seemed somehow trite.  
   
He knew that flowers couldn’t express the true depth of everything he felt, nor did they make up for anything. But if he could just make her smile he might relax a little bit. He might be able to get through what he needed to say.  
   
Maybe he just needed to do it. He couldn’t think about it anymore. He got out of his car with the bouquet, clicking the auto locks and walking with meaning towards her place. But when he reached the steps leading into her building he just kept going. He was too nervous. He needed a better plan.  
   
Josh walked her block three times, the rain, picking up and turning to snow as the temperature dropped, the wind chilling him to the bone. Okay, he thought. This is it. It’s now or never. He couldn’t take the uncertainty anymore. He had to tell her how he felt. He had to tell her that he needed her. That he’d loved her for the last four and a half years.  
   
He’d never been so nervous in his life. He was genuinely afraid of her rejection- if she didn’t return his feelings they could never go back. He couldn’t continue to play this denial game. But, God, if she didn’t feel the same way, he knew it would break him.  
   
This was it. He couldn’t put it off anymore. He let his feet lead him to her doorway and he took a deep breath before he rang her bell, standing nervously in the hallway, grateful that at least CJ was out of town for the night. If his heart was going to be broken he at least wanted it to be done privately.   
   
She cracked the door, surprised to see him, but immediately concerned. “Josh, get in here,” she pulled him inside. “You’re freezing. How long have you been outide?”  
   
“I- uh,” he didn’t know how to begin as she reached for his wet trench coat. “These are for you,” he stated quickly, handing her the daises which had been beat down in the rain.  
   
She blinked at him for a moment, clearly taking a mental inventory of his current state, before smiling softly. “Thank you. They’re beautiful.” And even though they’d been mangled in the storm outside, to her, they were. They were from him.  
   
It was the push he needed. “Donna, I’m sorry.”  
   
With those three words, the entire atmosphere of the room changed. His heart started to thump in his chest. There was no going back now. She looked up at him, cocking her head to the side in wonder as she hung his coat on the rack.  
   
“I realize that I’ve done a terrible job of telling you how I feel lately. I never even thanked you for taking such good care of me over the last few months. It was-“  
   
“You don’t need to thank me,” she offered softly. “Don’t ever feel like you need to thank me for that.”  
   
He closed his eyes, focusing on the task at had. “Please, Donna, Just let me get through this.”  
   
She nodded her head softly, listening.  
   
“I do have to apologize to you. That night in my office- I should have never-“  
   
“Josh, that wasn’t your fault. You were in a bad place and...”

“Please,” his eyes begged her. He just had to get through this.  
   
She nodded her consent and leaned her shoulder against the wall, listening to him speak.  
   
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’d take it back if I could, Donna, because you deserve so much better than that. You deserve someone who never hurts you. You deserve someone who will never make you cry. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want. I wonder sometimes, Donna, if you realize how amazing you truly are. I don’t think I tell you that enough, but I’m going to start. I’m going to make sure you know.”  
   
Donna listened intently, unsure of what had brought this on. Josh continued to speak. The floodgate had been opened.  
   
“I also want to apologize for my priorities over the last four years- if I made you think for even one second that this Presidency and this job were more important to me than you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking I could somehow manage to put us on the backburner while we were in the White House. For thinking that would work, or even if it did, for thinking that’s okay. It’s not, Donna! It’s not okay."  The passion was evident in Josh’s voice. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I never imagined it would be this hard. Seeing you every day, living side by side with you, but knowing you were just out of reach..." he shook his head. "It's been agony."  
   
“And more than anything, Donna,” he took a step towards her, “I want to apologize to you for not making it perfectly clear that I’m in love with you. I want to apologize for not marrying you before we left that island.”  
   
Donna stared at him, wide eyed and mouth falling slightly open, the tears pooling in her eyes. She’d convinced herself that this was one sided. That she had an unrequited crush. That he’d never feel for her what she’d felt for him.  
   
His voice dropped an octave and became so quiet, the raw emotion scratching through. “But I understand if you can never forgive me.”  
   
Donna didn’t hesitate. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers instinctively finding his curls, and she kissed him. But it wasn’t the needy desperation from a few weeks prior. It was soft and languid, and oddly familiar. It held every emotion she’d felt for him and she hoped he understood what she was saying. But she left nothing up to chance, slowly parting their lips just enough so that she could speak. “I love you, too, you know,” she told him, her hands continuing their soft ministrations in his curls.  
   
He cupped her cheek and closed the distance between them again. Josh felt his priorities shift. This was real. He'd put it all on the line and she'd loved him in return. 

He knew this wouldn't be easy. But he also knew that didn't matter. Nothing mattered but Donna. Come hell or high water, he wouldn't lose her again. 

Her hands moved to the front of him, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. She wondered if he could possibly be as nervous as she was. Yes, they'd been together before, but this... this was somehow different. It felt... important. Life changing, somehow. 

He gently picked her up and carried her down the hall, pausing outside of her doorway. "Is this okay?"

She nodded affirmatively, running her thumb along his jaw line. She couldn't find her voice at this particular moment. 

"You're sure?" He leaned his forehead against hers. 

"Josh," she whispered, "I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life."

OoooooooO

Donna lay on top of the disheveled comforter on her bed, her breathing finally returning to normal. She'd remembered how good their chemistry was in St. Thomas but now... this was a whole new level. 

She knew all those years ago that there was something between them. That there was something special about this man. But she really had no idea what was to come for them. She'd met her soulmate while he was futzing with a keycard in a hotel hallway. 

"You're awfully quiet," Josh commented, pulling her a little closer. "Penny for your thoughts." Truth be told, he was terrified that she'd changed her mind already. The thought of her loving him seemed too good go be true. 

Donna shrugged her shoulders. "Just thinking about how much I've missed this part," she admitted. She loved being wrapped up in him. 

"You... did?" He seemed so unsure. 

"Of course," she lightly kissed his chest where her head. "You know that."

He was a little bit flummoxed. He really didn't know that. "Donna, we need to talk."

She immediately stiffened at his words. 

"No, not like that," he reassured he'd, realizing what she was thinking. He leaned down and kissed her softly to drive home his point. "It's just that this is real. This is it for me. You're it for me. So I want to do this all the right way. And I think you and I need to get some things out in the open. But not tonight. Tonight, if you know that I'm in love with you, well, that's enough for me."

OoooooooO  
   
Josh sat in the tub with Donna in his arms. She was leaning back against him, hair on top of her head, probably close to dozing off. She’d suggested a warm bath when she realized that Josh was chilled to the bone from the time he’d spent standing outside. He’d protested at first, but now, sitting in the flickering candle light with her, he was completely sold on the concept of a bath.  
   
Josh was silent, thinking over the last years and the missed moments with this incredible woman. And though he now he realizes he was absolutely already in love with her on the island, his feelings for her have multiplied tenfold since the day he met her. He didn’t even realize it was possible to feel this way about another person. To love someone this much.  
   
His fingers trailed lightly up and down her side as he sat, deep in thought.  
   
“I looked for you, you know,” he stated softly into the dark room.  
   
“Hmmm?” She didn’t even open her eyes, stirring only slightly to move closer to him.  
   
He was in awe of her trust- of her comfort level with him. Especially after everything that had happened between them on Christmas Eve. This was their chance. It was a miracle and he knew it. So he decided to start out on a clean slate.  
   
“I looked for you,” he repeated, moving down to lightly kiss the crook of her neck. “After we left Charlotte Amalie.”  
Her eyes fluttered open. She’d had no idea. She studied his face as he continued.  
   
“I didn’t know your last name,” he told her. “But as soon as you boarded that flight for Chicago I knew I'd made a huge mistake. So I tried to find you. I tried to look you up. I called all the hospitals thinking I was searching for a nurse. And when that didn't work I flew to Madison to try and get some information out of the university registrar."

Donna laced their fingers together under the water. She'd had no idea. 

"So after I left Hoynes I hired a private detective. He was just getting started when you showed up." He planted a light kiss on her temple. "I couldn't believe it when you appeared on the other side of that door. It was..."

"Serendipitous?"

He held her a little tighter in his arms. "It was the best moment of my life, Donna."  
   
She turned to look at him. "I looked for you too, you know."

"You... did?"

She nodded her head, unsure why he was surprised by that. 

"I called the Connecticut and New York Bar Associations looking for you." She cracked a smile. "But since you're not a real lawyer I didn't get very far."

"I'm a real lawyer," he grumbled, mostly on reflex. 

"Anyway... they gave me the information for Noah Lyman. So I had an appointment with him the Saturday after I arrived at the campaign. I still have no idea what I would have said to convince him..."

Josh let out a soft laugh. "You wouldn't have had to say a word."

Donna furrowed her brow, not understanding. 

"He knew all about you." He kissed her neck. "I'd told him about you. The way I felt about you. He'd helped me look for you. He'd seen pictures of you. He would have been thrilled to see you walk through that door." He kissed her again. "I wish he would have gotten to know you."

"Me too. I always enjoyed our phone calls," she assured him, given his hand a squeeze. 

"He was happy that I was finally happy."

The two sat in contemplative silence for a beat before Donna realized what she'd heard. 

"Wait. Pictures? You had pictures?" Her face brightened in delayed comprehension. "You did! You had that disposable camera from the snorkel tour company. Where are they?"

"They're in the locked drawer in my desk at home, sweetheart."

Donna smiled at the term of endearment that flowed so naturally into the end of his sentence. "Sweetheart?"

Josh mentally stumbled a bit. "Oh, uh, I-"

"I like the sound of that," she cut him off, turning over in his arms to face him, running her hands up his bare chest and giving him a mischievous grin. "But I think we've done enough talking for one night..."  
   
OooooooO

Josh ran his hands through Donna's hair as she slept. Though he was exhausted he was clinging to the last few ounces of remaining energy. He wanted to savor this moment. 

Only hours before he'd been practically a different man. But her wholehearted acceptance of him tonight had changed his entire world. 

She loved him. She was everything he'd ever needed and more. He knew at that moment he'd do anything to make her happy. He'd do anything to protect her. 

He wasn't naive enough to think this whole thing was going to be a walk in the park, but he knew that together they'd be okay. Nothing else mattered to him. 

Josh leaned forward and softly kissed the top of her forehead. He promised himself that he'd be reasonable about this- taking it slow and doing it right by her. He'd always been bad at relationships and he didn't want to risk losing everything if he screwed this up. It was already the most important thing he'd ever done. But deep down inside he was next to giddy. 

He couldn't wait to spend forever with her. 

THE END 

(...well, until the next story in this series.)

What did you think? I know it was a rough road but I hope it was worth it :)


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